Day 5 – The hardest

I am worn out. This is also the day when the reality of letting-go has become the most real. I suspect the whole thing began with the Spanish stuff in what I thought/think a “common” worship should be, considering that the vast majority are English speakers.
Two days ago, I talked with one of the Orthodox monks at their booth while looking at icons and Russian church music, which I love. We talked for a good bit about the vows of obedience. His will be more complete and all encompassing than my own, but living into obedience in honesty and with integrity is very difficult and takes time to relinquish one’s own want and desire.
This is not an obedience issue, but closely related. The letting go of and giving up of self is horrible. It is very difficult.
Here, now, I am finding it terribly hard to let go – of expectations, wants, ideas of what should and should not be, what is right and proper and what is not, or of desire. Letting go of my own expectations concerning living arrangements, jobs, ministry is not easy. Letting go of anger, frustration, disappointment, dreams, friendships, everything is proving to be unbearable.
Where is the line, the point of crossing? Letting go of everything is to become nothing, it would seem. Where is that line between letting go and holding something so dear so close – even tenaciously?
I can see that the holding of some things so close is nothing more than me – all about me. Holding such things too close will bring nothing but frustration, bitterness, perhaps much anger. It isn’t worth it! Wisdom, wisdom and discernment through the power of the Holy Spirit are what are needed. Lord help me.