I just received an e-mail

I just received an e-mail news update concerning the International Anglican Conversations on Human Sexuality. They have just published their report detailing the outcome of a three-year study on homosexuality in the Anglican Communion world-wide, which is THE issue right now and which could well divide the communion. Click here for the article from the Episcopal News Service
I just don’t know where this is all leading. It causes me a lot of consternation. I have this underlying fear that I will finish seminary and for whatever reason will not be ordained, regardless of what my Bishop says or intends to do. He is committed to inclusion and has ordained gay people in committed relationships, and the rest. Things change, though. And, I’m just getting so tired of this debate. I’m getting tired of the pro-inclusion camp being of the belief that scripture does not play the major role in the formulation of Church policy – I believe it does. I’m tired of the prohibitionist camp claiming that anyone who believes in inclusion cannot possibly understand scripture or doesn’t take it seriously – which is completely untrue. I believe in inclusion because of what scriptures says, not what ancient teaching says the Bible says. Ancient teachings have gotten things wrong before, and I believe they are wrong on this issue, too. Yet, it will depend on who has the upper hand as to whether the Communion will remain together, whether gay people will continue to be ordained, and what kind of role gays will play in the Anglican Church – locally in the Episcopal Church – USA, and internationally. It just makes me nervous, and I’ve been around long enough to know that despite what those above me may say, my best interests are not generally theirs’.
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I have no clarity. I

I have no clarity. I feel lost. Emotionally, I’m all over the place, absolutely. I feel this pang in my chest and don’t know where it is coming from, don’t know how to identify it. It’s there all the same. What am I feeling? Do these feelings mean anything – something I won’t or can’t recognize, admit?
I’ve written a lot about missing John, at least in my journal, maybe more so in my paper journal, but I know things were over a long time ago and we are both probably better off, at least as the people we where then. As Vince said back then, “you’re just too much for him,” but I pray that he will be too much himself – deep, secure, joyful, sincere, with a thrill for life. That he becomes the person he is meant to be – full-life.
Yet, I can’t seem to get over the thoughts or feelings of the sense of lose I’m feeling about friendship with Pat. He is such a unique individual – someone you come across once in a lifetime. I don’t think I will ever come across someone like him again. I’m feeling the loss of seeing him and working with him every weekday even now, even before I leave, even though I will see him in a couple hours. I have learned what kind of person I want to be with, share my life with, from him. Is that realization contributing to this melancholy?
I really donÂ’t know anything right now.
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