A couple initial reactions to the ex-gay seminar/meeting last night:
1. It is a good thing when someone comes into relationship with God! That is what we share in common. The freedom, the release, the thrill of coming into a true and realistic understanding of self, as created by God with purpose, held within relationship between God and between peers, is a wonderful experience. This is a true experience available to all of us, but then what?
2. Is there an ability to continue into further understanding and truth, the search for truth, the search for our true selves, without falling into another trap — the trap of convincing ourselves that we ARE a certain something, dependant on a strict belief system that simply replaces our misconception of self and God that occupied our conscious self before God? Do we simply replace one lie for another? Do we simply continue suppressing a truth of who we are, or just transfer the “we are” onto another ideology/theology?
3. People truly experience a freedom, a peace, a realization of things that truly need healing and re-definition. Do the leaders then encourage them to become another contrived thing or do they encourage them to look at all things and to seek truth, even if the truth will totally over turn preconceived notions?
Two young people from Oberlin College were there. They are getting married soon. I hope and pray that they have a realistic understanding of what awaits them, and not simply a youthful and overly optimistic expectation of what their lives will be. If they make an informed decision, before God and in honesty, to be married, then more power to them. But have they? A very nice guy; I don’t know what I think of the girl. She needs attention. I fear a lot of unnecessary struggle and a possibility of tremendous heartache.
More later…..

I’m going to an ex-gay get together/seminar tonight. I don’t really know what will be going on, but Sam, Andy and I are, well, I guess we are infiltrating the meeting. Not to protest or anything like that, but more to scope out what is going on. We will share the commonality of our faith, but were we come down on the issue of homosexuality and Christianity will be quite different. I think I may have gone to this same event a number of years ago — I remember going to the same church for something similar. It was a long time ago and I don’t really remember much about it at this point. That was when I believe the two were incompatible and that God would eventually heal me. I believe neither at this point, although my faith in and relationship with God remains unscathed. Of course, many would claim I have forsaken me faith, but I haven’t. Just haven’t.
Anyway, Sam grew up in a Christian and Missionary Alliance church whose pastor happened to be his father. He’s a P.K (preacher’s kid). Sam is an Episcopalian with CMA leanings right now. He has a tendency to make appointments with CMA pastors to talk about the gay/Christian issue. Quiet bold at that, Sam is. Sam also has a tendency to go to these kinds of things because, as he says, we never know with whom we might strike up a conversation. So many young people struggle mightily with this issue and trying to bring reconciliation between their two selves. Two selves that simply can’t be brought into one without a mighty struggle. Sadly, too many reject their faith unnecessarily. My heart goes out to them!
My desire is to be a voice, among many I hope, that speaks to the reconciliation of one’s orientation and faith. I’m not really concerned where people come down on the issue as long as the opinion/decision/belief is informed, as long as they have thought through the implications of their stance, as long as they don’t desire simply to support an already decided answer without the struggle for truth. If people come to believe that they are to remain chaste, celibate, then so bit it — just as long as they have made the decision themselves through consideration of all sides of the issue and with the conviction that God has guided them through the struggle to the belief. If people come to believe that it is perfectly within God’s purview for them to be in a same-sex relationship/union without bringing distance between them and God, then more power to ç²—m. Of course, this is were I am right now. I still have a very hard time supporting people who are gay and decide to marry a member of the opposite sex — the would-be spouses have to be thought of first and foremost! I don’t think that generally happens! But, if they have thought through the implications, believe God is directing, and the would-be spouses understand what they are getting into, then who am I to condemn that. Again, I just don’t think it happens that way for the most part.
I know several people who are struggling with this right now. Sadly, most ex-gay ideology doesn’t support the idea of exploration of opinions that aren’t in line with their standard theological beliefs. The fear of deception is great. The fear of coming under false knowledge, false teaching is even greater. What can I say — just encourage people to read, to talk, to seek advise from all sides, pray hard, and then do as they feel God is guiding. We all pass through different eras of our lives and in the midst of those times we might believe and experience very different things. Growth, maturity, experience, increased knowledge all contribute to inform our conscious at any given time. We all change over time. That’s why for me the simply encouragement to seek God with the ability to cast everything aside, to truly listen to the still small voice, will always be the best advise.
Will we get into conversations tonight? Probably not extensively. After all, we could be considered the enemy (the carriers of deception) or as missionary opportunities. I’m curious to see what comes of this.
Listening: The Call’s Greatest Hits (no, not the Calling!) I really like Michael Bean!

Awake at 4:45 a.m. again this morning. It’s needless to say, yet I am, but I am dead to the world this today. Plus, the shower knobby thingy on my bathtub broke today. Good thing I was up so early — I got to jury-rig (sp?) my shower.
Listening: Lisa Loeb – Cake & Pie for the second time. Don’t know yet. Chemical Brothers next….

Work-out, don’t work-out. Work-out, don’t work-out. What to do???? Lazy. Motivated. Yes, motivated. Body looks blahhhhh….. Gotta work-out. Lazy….snoozy…..keep my head up. Okay, leaving now to drive a while and then….yes, work-out!

I have been out of sorts lately when attempting to write. I feel all motivated and everything, but then when I actually sit down to write either here or in my journal — nothing. Just this really blah, yucky feeling, and I just don’t know why. My brain is so full of all these jumbled thoughts that I need to get them out in some fashion, but….nothing comes. I think I may be on the cusp of a bunch of stuff coming together and coalescing into something that actually looks like an intelligent opinion on something, but when — when I say?
I had dinner with Amy and Russ yesterday evening. I worked out and planned on ordering a pizza via my cell-phone, then pick it up on my way home. Well, I waited too long and couldn’t get the pizza and get home before Amy and Russ showed up before the pizza was ready. We watched a video on THE subject once again. I had a few lucid moments in-between snoozing. The conversation afterwards was great — I almost got a moment of inspiration, but I got all jumbled up. One of these days, and I hope soon, it is all going to come spilling out and actually be cogent. Go figure….
I’m writing now more as an attempt to break the log-jam that’s inhabiting my brain then for any particular reason. I need to just discipline myself to write, if that’s what this may be called, about something regularly to keep in practice and to I hope develop inspiration. But, as is always the case, reading stuff like this becomes tedious. Writing it, too….

I’m sure it is a very complicated thing, this Israeli and Palestinian conflict. While I absolutely understand the Israeli’s right to self-defense and the obligation of the government to protect the citizenry, I think the way they are going about it is only causing problems rather then solving the over-all problem. What do you do with the few Palestinians who would rather die and in the process kill as many Jews as possible rather then see Israel as a state exist? No amount of negotiation is going to stop them. No amount of appeasement is going to keep them from killing until the Jewish state no longer exists. What do you do with these people?
Yet, I know that most Palestinians want to live in peace and are not terrorists. Most Palestinians are not out to be suicide bombers. The Israeli military’s current campaign is not going to lead to peaceful co-existence. All it is going to do is further Balkanize the region to the point where no one wins and everyone is involved in atrocities.
Arafat and Sharon need to step aside for the sake of their own people. Bush and the Americans need to be bold in condemn atrocities on both sides — forcibly and in a forthright manner. If Israel doesn’t move forward, threaten to end U.S. aid. If Arafat or another Palestinian Authority leader doesn’t stop the terrorist bombings, then make it clear to them that the U.S. will not interfere in Israel’s right to self-defense. I don’t know. As I said, it is a very complicated situation.
Listening: Natalie Imbruglia’s White Lilies Island & Lisa Loeb’s Cake and Pie — both for the first time. Doing: websites

HAPPY EASTER!

I’m not sure what I am feeling this morning. My neck is stiff, and has been for a while now. Not sure why. There is this nagging desire and thought in the back of my mind that I need to get serious about working out, eating right, and focusing on moving forward in discipline in all aspects of my life. It is the end of March. It is too easy for me to not be determined to do certain things and always come up with an excuse for not doing that thing — working out, for example. Not that I’m obsessed with my body, but I do want to be disciplined. In that discipline, I simply will be fit.
Well, Kent State’s basketball team did well this year. I’m glad to see them go so far. The last game, against Indiana during the Elite 8 round of games, was a good game, but Indiana was just on that night. They did everything right — no way Kent could have overcome their game. Still, our boys played well and were within 7 points of beating Indiana during the last 4 minutes of the game. Kent pride — sounds so odd!
Staff I know that went to the games in Lexington said that had a great time — everything was so surreal.

How about those Golden Flashes! Remarkable. I didn’t get to see the game yesterday due to going to see a play in Canton — The Sum of Us. It was well done. I got to listen to the end of the first half on my way back home in Akron. Coming into work this morning, everyone decked-out in blue and gold, the staff seemed a bit out-of-it. Not enough sleep, they said, after watching a VERY exciting game that went into overtime. Kent beat Pittsburgh!
I made it home around 10:45 pm and thought about going to the Highland Theater in my neighborhood. The theater (more of a art-house movie/performance venue/with a bar inside type theater) showed the game on the big screen for free last night. I think it would have been an exciting place to watch the game, but I wimped out and went home to bed. I should have watched the game!
Great website & concept:
Relationship report: same ol’, same ol’. :: Thrilling stuff in life report: uhm, don’t know right now. :: Oooh, I am so satisfied with everything report: no (see relationship report). :: Get real, compared to life for a Tutsi in Rwanda report: the Church is destroying Christianity. :: Work report: why can’t I finish these stupid webpages?

Kent is in the Sweet Sixteen for the first time in it’s history. (I work at Kent State, by the way.) We’ve been in the NCAA playoffs the last three seasons, or maybe two seasons, I’m not sure. To be honest, I really don’t follow college basketball all that closely, even Kent’s team. Let me try again — I really don’t follow college sports AT ALL. But this year, this is a different matter. It is so odd to actually feel an honest excitement about one of our sports teams! Of course, every new fall term there is this attempt to hype the football team in order to build school spirit, etc., especially for the freshmen. Everyone knows it’s an almost futile attempt, although the football team has actually won a few games the last couple of years! Anyway, tonight at 10:00 pm in Lexington, Kent plays Pittsburgh. Wouldn’t it be something if they win! We shall see….
Of course, there is blue and gold every where around campus today. The bookstore and sports shop can’t keep sweet sixteen t-shirts and ball-caps in stock. Going for coffee this morning in the student center, I actually saw students buying bunches of Kent stuff to wear. It’s actually kind of neat, although strange. Go Kent! Funny, how that sounds.