I absolutely hate being involved in making decisions that pull me (rip me) in different directions because the alternatives are in and of themselves very good! Lord, what does one do? To be more specific, “Lord, what do I do?”
Then, if I say, “Lord, what do I do,” is that an attempt to relinquish my responsibility and give over to someone else that privilege of decision making so that I don’t have to feel the pain/confusion/angst of it all (and in some situations have to bear the brunt of the outcome), or is it a recognition that in this circumstance I just don’t know what is the best thing to do? Then, am I truly willing to hear the answer when and if it comes? Am I open to any possibility? One more thing, how much does my own want – separate from other right and good considerations – come into play? Is it possible to separate oneself from more selfish thoughts/feelings? Yes, it is, of course, but how do we know the difference between inappropriate selfish feelings – even legitimate wants – and the “right thing to do” because the option really is the right thing to do?
While I may “absolutely hate” having to be involved in such processes, I also know that even the trouble, the angst, the sick gut feeling is for a good end and the process itself is good. There are good results when we give ourselves to allowing ourselves to be challenged and changed.
My problem is that I doubt myself so much. Some have said that one of my (many) problems is that I think too much. I know from past experiences that in the end I tend to make decisions from my gut (when I’m not being slapped in the face, hard, with what should be obvious demonstrations of what needs to be done). I’ve also learned that I can depend on my gut feeling – when I am to the best of my abilities in a place of, “Lord, thy will be done.” I’ve made decisions when everything in me pretty much says, “I DO NOT want to do that!” but my gut says I need to – and the outcome was good.
I drive people crazy because I process out loud concerning these kinds of decisions. I can’t stop myself from subjecting friends to all my angst and confusion.
So, I have a gut feeling. Is it a selfish, uninformed gut feeling or a gut feeling as in, “Lord give me the desires of my heart,” gut feeling because God is directing? I guess if I remove the whole God thing, I’m just the type of person that would still feel the angst – or be far more selfish and be finished with it all. What is worse is that the decision my gut feeling is leading me to make right now doesn’t really benefit me! As a matter of fact, it will make life more difficult and in the end, fail. AND, the other option seems to have so many positives, and will even be beneficial to me as a result.
What does it mean when a very good thing is not chosen?
Right now, I am in that liminal state.
How much are the good outcomes of the decisions we make and their outcomes are simply deciding that this is what I’m going to do and the good results come more from changing attitudes and shifting outlooks to see positively the place we find ourselves or put ourselves?
So my gut feeling will put me in a place that is not as “easy,” not as serene, not as sure, not as stable, not as good for the resume, not a business-ly prudent for my future. So, why am I even considering this alternative? That’s part of my quandary!
Now, I have to try to write a sermon. Lord, help them tomorrow morning because they may just be subjected to an angst inspired interpretation of the scriptures.
Were will I be most useful? Where can my personality, my interests, my sense-of-things be most helpful?