Old On-line Journal

I began journaling on-line, on my website, beginning in 2000 and before blogging began. Eight years worth of writing stuff via the Web, although inconsistently.
I was thinking the other day about what to write on this blog since I am really taking less of an interest in the whole Anglican mess (not that I consider it unimportant, but the dies have been cast and it will all play out, regardless of what I want or think). I have tried to be involved myself primarily to attempt to come up with a way to bridge the gap between two ideological positions that refuse to meet each other half-way.
True theological arguments, engaged by people interested in theology rather than ideological posturing and purity, will not result in schisms or splits or hatreds or the mess that we now find in the Anglican Communion and more particularly for me in The Episcopal Church, USA. When our accusations and actions stem from ideology and we attempt to use theology to buttress and defend our social or political ideology(ies), then what results is the mess we have in the Episcopal Church and within Anglicanism. Those who want to focus on ideology, at this point, will do so (and I’m not talking about only reactionary-conservative types). Nothing more to do. Those who want to focus on theology, well then, let the debates continue and let us act like real Anglicans as we gather around the communion table to receive together from our Lord in our collective ignorance and hoped for humility.
Besides, I have no particular part to play in all this, other than trying to conduct my life and ministry in ways that exemplify what I understand a follower of Christ to be. I’m not insightful, I’m not particularly intelligent, I’m not eloquent, and others do a far better job than I can. So, let them. All I can do is live my life, and hopefully be a positive influence for the sake of the Gospel of Jesus Christ (and by God not be a hypocrite).
Back to my original purpose for this entry: I was reading through some of my on-line journal entries from years past (my mom just gave me some mint chocolate-chip ice-cream – the joys of being home for Thanksgiving!) and realized how “political” my own blog entries have become over the last few years. Entries became more like rants rather than attempts at thinking-out-loud as I wrestle with stuff, which is what I generally did in the past. I need to think-out-loud, and writing is a means of doing so that doesn’t drive people crazy. “Blogging” is a lot different these days than on-line journaling years ago, but still.
So, what now. I’ve watched a lot of other bloggers quite, recently. I don’t feel the need to stop, since, as I’ve written in the past, I do this not because I think other people have any interest in what I think but as a means for me to keep track of stuff and to think-out-loud.
What am I really wrestling with these days? Well, I continue to wrestle with the conflicts in the Communion because I think this whole mess is so terribly destructive. I continue to wrestle with the gay-Christian issues – socially and theologically. I continue to wrestle with discerning my next steps in life and ministry. I continue to wrestle with my purpose in life and how it all plays out. I continue to wrestle with how the Church should approach and deal with the unchurched, particularly those of younger generations – how do we do this, honestly, and not be blinded by our own particular desires for outcomes (pietistically, socially, modernist vs. post-modernist, etc.). I continue to struggle with personal discipline, or lack of discipline. I need a spiritual-director and/or confessor. I continue struggling with busyness to the point of drowning out the still-small-voice-of-God and peace. I continue to struggle with my place in the world. I continue to deal with issues of relationship, loneliness despite friendships and lots of people around. I continue to deal with wanting to be closer to my family. I continue to worry about certain people, and having to deal with personal issues. I think about the fact that I am not getting any younger and whether I will be able to see some of the things I want to accomplish come to fruition. I think about the balance between waiting and action, initiative and lethargy, humility and hubris, plotting my own way and being under authority.
Lots to write about, I suspect.