What do we become?

I’ve really come to the conclusion that those who have truly struggled with their faith and their orientation, even if presently reconciled, bear the scars their entire lives to one degree or another.
This struggle and its ramifications influences relationships as well as general life. Perhaps only in hindsight do we know whether relationships and life are influenced negatively – of course, sometimes yes and sometimes no, right? It is not a matter of “being over it,” because our very make-up is a result of our upbringing and thus the struggle; sometimes and with some people it can be a horrendous struggle. No matter how far we move away from our upbringing and earlier life, the influence remains even if but a shadow.
Where does this leave me, I wonder. If I put myself within the messy business of honestly wanting to know truth, all manner of things can result and I may not like the result. If I honestly seek after integrity, humility, and wisdom, then what manner of thing do I become and what must I struggle through?
If I claim to be this thing – a Christian – even if what I am is contrary to everything others say I should be, then when the rubber-hits-the-road and I bear the brunt of my convictions and have to struggle through the reality of my situations, what will I do? How will I act? What will I say? How selfish will I be? How hypocritical will I allow myself to be? I hope not much, even it if hurts, even if it doesn’t benefit me, even if I face harm, even if I look like the fool, even if I am trampled, even if I must die, even if… Where do the “even if’s” end in the economy of God, in the economy of Love, in the economy of the other?