I’m waiting for Ashton to call. Excitedly and expectantly. I’ve discovered more then I thought that these beginning few months of transition and courses make life pretty difficult and stressful. Finding a routine has been tough, partly because the seminary keeps throwing in all these extra meetings and seminars and matriculation ceremonies and, and, andÂ… If we could simply have one normal week, I think I could actually see what a routine might look like. I feel so far behind and the anxiety of upcoming exams and papers due is building. It isn’t that I don’t think I can do well. It is just I don’t have a grasp of the over all picture in terms of course requirements, assignments, and all that. There is always this feeling of “what am I missing now,” or “something is due tomorrow and I haven’t even started it.”
The curve ball, of course, is Ashton. I did not count on meeting someone and beginning a relationship. If things had continued as I had planned, I would probably be much more rested, have much more accomplished, and feel more integrated into the seminary community. Not that I don’t feel a part of the community, but I would be spending the time I am with Ashton with others or doing more homework or maybe even working out a little more. Thursday evenings with the boys of Seabury Heights watching Survivor and Big Brother, for example. Feeling more rested and wanting to go out to G with the Tim and Wendy and Chris and Roy and the others. Who knows? Anyway, here is Ashton. I would not trade the possibilities of him and a future with him for anything! He is wonderful. And, I am anxious and worried and fearful and everything wondering just how this is going to work. Wondering whether this is a false start or whether I just might have a real relationship with someone who might know what that is and wanting of the same things I want in another.
I’m waiting for his call. He is coming up tonight, later this afternoon straight from Light Fields. I need to talk to him tonight about whether he really knows what he is getting himself into by dating me. My life is odd and not my own. I am not a normal kind of guy. My life will not be normal. Does he have a clue? Can he be interested in the different aspects of my life? Will the expectations and perceptions placed upon me, both positive and negative, be manageable for him? Does he have any interest or concern with his own spiritual life as a Christian? Will the persecution and controversy that I will become be too much for him? Will the demands and intensity of this life of mine now and to come be too much? Does he know what he is getting himself into?
This is an interesting time. Living in New York City. Going to the NY City Opera. Going to interesting movies that may or may not appear in Cleveland. Secretary. His Secret Life. Facing all the temptations that readily present themselves. Not knowing where I will fit into the “system.” A future that is a complete blur. A current life made all the more rich and exciting by a certain person – by someone that just might be.