If it takes a whole life I won’t break I won’t bend
It’ll all be worth it worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You’ll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind
– Sarah McLachlan, Answer, Afterglow
Classes begin again in a week. Over the past few weeks I have taken some time, in the midst of finishing a paper on Christology, to be engaged in the debates that our Church is going through right now. I do not presume or pretend that I have anything useful or important to say, but engaging in the debate certainly helps me clarify my own understanding and sharpen my ability to verbalize what I actually believe in the midst of challenge. This is taking place primarily through Kendall Harmon’s website: titusonenine.
Here are links to the specific posts of Kendall’s that I have make comments:
Don Browning reviews Bradford Wilcoxç—´ Good Christian men: How faith shapes fathers
INTEGRITY RESPONDS TO COMMUNIQUﾉ FROM HOUSE OF BISHOPS MEETING
I know I need to shorten what I write. I suspect that will come in time when I am not so much attempting to just get stuff out of my mind and onto “paper.”
Peter Cullen, the rector of my field placement parish, gave a sermon today. I cannot do it justice, but he talked about when he was a teenager and his mother always suggested that he go to the school dances so that maybe he might meet a wonderful girl and live happily ever after. This led him to always think that some day, maybe, sometime in the future that would all happen. He still thinks that way – in the future, maybe, someday, sometime, he will find that something that is supposed to make his life complete. Of course, it was a situation experienced way back when as a kid that set his disposition towards always thinking that in the future… in the future what is supposed to be will be, rather than seeing that right now…
He talked of how this has carried over into his spiritual life. Sometime in the future is when he is supposed to experience all this stuff of God. He waits, looks for that thing to approach him from somewhere ahead of him and say, “He I am.” He realizes, now, that it is likely to come from behind.
This infects us all, I believe. But, just maybe, maybe right now that which is supposed to be has sneaked up on us from behind and tapped us on the shoulder and said, “I’m here.” We don’t expect such things from behind, but maybe when we always strain to look ahead to realize life we continually miss it, because it is coming up behind us.
It really got me thinking, especially as one who always expected things to “work out right” sometime in the future when God would heal, or fix, or make things the way they are supposed to be. Things have rarely worked out as I expected them to. My expectations are too low and too limited.
I have always been future oriented – I always expect things to be “right” in the future – faith is things hoped for, yet not seen, right? Maybe, just maybe, God has been tapping me on the shoulder from behind saying, “Here I am.” Maybe, just maybe, I have not been able to feel the tap or see the reality of God, of God’s truth, of God’s grace and mercy, of His fulfillment. Maybe the reality of life, real life, has been beside me all along. Maybe I need to simply stop always looking forward to expectations that should be realized right now, from behind. Isn’t that just like God, to do things in a way that is unexpected so that we can realize far more than we could ever hope for or conceive of in our very limited forward looking.
Just stop. Just stop. Keep still for but a moment, and maybe I will see and know. Maybe if I can just stand still I will realize what has been with me all along. Be still, and know that I am God. Tap, tap, tap. “I am here.” Wait just a moment, please. A still small voice that is too easy to miss when I am in such a rush – a blur, a flash… what?, did I hear something?
We live in a hyperactive world moving somewhere at full force. All engines go. Just do it. What if true life, reality, is to stop and allow the rush of this world to go on without me, to be a blur, unfocused, moving towards who knows what, and I just stand still. Ah, I can hear it. Can I hear it? Peace. Joy. Freedom. Finally, maybe finally, from behind, I am enabled to love the Lord my God with my whole heart and finally, unexpectedly because it isn’t approaching from ahead of me, I can love my neighbor as myself. Maybe, finally, I can experience that life hoped for but yet unrealized because I致e been wrongly looking forward. Be still. Stop. Turn my head. There it is.
This will be six months of radical change in my life. GOE’s are next week, and after that one more paper to end the last fall semester of my seminary experience. My future is wide open; I have experienced the provision of God too many times in my life to be fearful of a future that is completely unknown.
I was looking through my Amazon.com wishlist this morning after searching through the Alban Institute’s website for a recent study I heard about concerning the strategic position of Anglo-Catholic (not the reactionary sort) churches and church growth. I saw the books in my wishlist, and listened to some music from the CDç—´ I hope to buy when I can once again listen to music (too busy for that now), especially the band Sigur-Ros from Iceland. I added some books, and here is the rub. The books I looked through (a couple recommended by the Alban Institute) were topically completely different in many aspects from the books I would have chosen one, two, or three years ago. Change in my position, in my location, and in my invocation are all coming quickly.
I think I am returning to by experiential past as I more into what truly interests me with regards to future vocation. During lunch recently, our table was engaged in the normal conversation. ThD student Ron mentioned that one of the other students present was (or is to be) a liturgist. We went around the table and Ron voiced his opinion on what each of us would be. He referred to me as the å…Žvangelist.� That was quite surprising. Maybe, in some form, maybe. I think of myself, once again, as a é›»iscipler.� A teacher – one who calls people into a realization, and then to deepen the relationship that results from the realization. Perhaps, in the calling, is the evangelism.
The future is wide open, and despite what I said above it is a bit disconcerting. I don’t quite know how to navigate through a search for a position in this kind of work or this kind of church. I realized this morning that the method of spiritual-formation I am experienced with and good at, frankly, rests in Discipleship. Not so much the individualistic spiritual-formation methods that are popular today (nothing wrong with them at all!), but in the small-group structure of discipleship. Within the context of a trusted small group of people, discipleship takes on a very different dynamic. Jesus models it, or rather Jesus presents us with a model. Evangelicals are very effective in the use of small group discipleship, but lacking in a holistic sense of Christian spirituality.
So anyway, we can listen to the sounds of Sigur-Ros while… who knows what???
A New Year in New York has now set in. Happy New Year!
I went out with Ashton to a party of a friend of his – I was out until 2:30 am and didn’t get to bed until 3:30 am. I woke up at 6:30 am. This is not going to be a good day. While being a morning person has a lot of advantages, and I like it, times like this suggest that my internal body clock is no friend of mine.
We had a great time, and I don’t necessarily regret it, but it was a lack of judgment on my part. I simply have too much studying to do to be trying to function on three hours of sleep. Bret’s apartment is amazing and his friends are a lot of fun to be around.
If ever there was a time to be in Times Square for the changing of the year, last night was it. The temperature was in the 50’s – an absolutely beautiful night. Some guys who were in the square showed up at the party around 1:00 am. The crowds were large and they were shoulder-to-shoulder as they struggled down 8th Ave.
I am so tired. In six months, my life will be so completely different. I have no idea what to expect!
Christmas is now over. Boxing Day has passed (if we observed such a thing in the U.S.).
Next year will be a very different Christmas, and I do not think I will like the way it progresses. I want to be home with my family on Christmas (during Christmas time), but more-than-likely I will be involved with a parish and Christmas will revolve around a congregation, without a family of my own.
I’ve been listening to Skott Freedman after a very long while of not, and putting together stuff for my General Ordination Exams.
Skott Freedman is a wonderful performer – whenever I listen to his music he puts me in some kind of mood. Not really melancholy, although his music does cause me to think back and consider all those things that could have been, might have been, if only.
I went to see Alexander this afternoon with a fellow seminarian – another Bob. I wondered how explicitly Stone portrayed Alexander’s bi/homosexuality. Between Alexander (Colin Farrell) and Hephaistion (Jared Leto), well, I think it would be difficult for someone who had no idea of Alexander’s persuasion not to notice something was going on. I think Stone accomplished the fact tastefully.
Anyway, on the walk back to the seminary, Bob and I talked about a variety of things – mostly about relationships. Freedman, the movie, our conversation brought up memories of my first relationship experience. It was tough. Both of us were fraught with guilt, and of course it did not last, although we remained friends for a while. It has been a very long time since I have spoken with him, but a first love is never forgotten.
He ended up marrying. She later found out about the history. I was asked never to contact him again. I googled him just now and found out that he has established a studio, which does very much suit him. I don’t know whether they remain married. I wonder about his (their) two children, or perhaps more, who will be in their teens by now. I hope and pray he is happy.
Those things that might have been, could have been. Farrell portrayed his love and devotion for his boyhood friend, companion, his love. My thoughts go back to first things and what might have been. Acceptance of oneself, before God and all humanity, is a long process filled with many considerations and turns and decisions.
I hope and pray, God please, that he is happy with his life.
My last final exam is tomorrow in Ascetical Theology. I turned in my Liturgics paper today. I am taking an Incomplete in “Modern Western Thought on the Trinity and Christology” because I have far more to do in attempting to articulate some kind of personal understanding and competency in these two areas. I do not what to simply write a paper, but I want to come to terms with what I actually believe (well, really to competently articulate what I think I believe) concerning Christology.
One more semester to go, and six more months until I am ordained into the Transitional Deaconate (Lord willing and the creek don稚 rise). Of course, there is the little matter of finding gainful employment!
The traditional understanding of the Anglican three-legged stool comprises: Scripture, Tradition, and Reason. Some may re-order the list – Anglo-Catholics may put Tradition first, Anglican-Evangelicals will leave Scripture first, and liberals or progressives may place Reason in the first slot. Wesley, to his death an Anglican priest and early in his life an Anglo-Catholic, added a fourth element: Experience.
The “Wesleyan Quadrilateral” thus comprises: Scripture, Tradition, Reason, and Experience. I think this may be a more realistic and frankly accurate portrayal of how people come to belief and understanding, at least in the Anglican tradition, within which I include Wesley (and Methodism in general, although they have abandoned the more sacramental and liturgically catholic notions).
The Episcopal Church likes to think of itself as the “thinking person’s church,” because we are not fundamentalist, and we allow for a messy openness as we attempt to know and discern God and God’s will for this world. There is an allowance for diverse opinions, theologies, pieties, and practices within certain boundaries of our common prayer. At least that is the theory. What I have come to realize through study and by antidotal evidence is that because Experience generally is not included in the Anglican system, many Episcopalians do not have an experiential faith, an experiential relationship with God/Jesus. They have a belief system to ascent to, a pattern to follow, a method of seeking, but with not much behind all that. They see the edges of the forest and trees and attempt to explain it all, but never enter into the forest. They learn about the man from a distance, but never know him personally.
So, we read all these different theologies and theories of the origin and development of scripture, of God, of salvation, etc., and it all becomes so anthropocentric. New theories and new formulations of Christ, of God, of humankind, of belief, of evidence, of anything just so that it is different than traditional understandings of all these things. They are welcome in the mix of thought and practice of Anglicanism.
Yet, without experience, these theories often destroy the faith of people. Without an experiential relationship with God – the reality of it – they are all just theories, just good lessons, just nice ways to live, all is reconfigured and reformulated and reinterpreted to fit into a cosmology that cannot allow for anything other than the material.
I can read all these different theologies and say, well, that there may be aspects of truth in each and they may all contribute to our overcoming the fact that we see through a glass dimly. However, my faith is not a bit shaken when I encounter a theologian who reconfigures the resurrection story to be just that – a story told by primitive peoples attempting to understand life and to hand-down their understanding to their children. My faith is not a bit shaken when the Jesus Seminar strips scripture of almost any authenticity concerning the human Jesus and his sayings, his mission, and his understanding of himself, let alone being God incarnate.
I experience the reality of scripture, it seems because I believe that scripture can be true. Consider the lilies of the valley and the birds of the air – I have experienced the provision of God in ways beyond just coincidence or good fortune or luck. Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters when you face trials of many kinds – I experience this. The joy of the Lord is my strength – I experience such things. I sense the presence of God in my quite-time, during worship, as I mumble through prayer (yes, “senses” and “feelings” can be fickle and deceiving). The psalmists wrote from their hearts to God and about God – I have experienced and realized so much of what they write. I experience God, and nothing a theorist postulates to explain away the wellspring, the source, the beginning point of these experiences traditionally understood has yet to convince me that my experiences have not been valid or true. To some the gift of healing, to others the gift of tongues and some others, prophesy – I have experienced such things.
Jonah and the whale – who knows? The lessons are valid, the lessons are knowable, and whether historically or literally true or not, they all speak of relationship with God and the writers’ experiences with God, not simply an attempt to understand the world.
Too many people cannot believe in a god who is personal – a god who is experiential. They cannot believe because they do not allow for such a thing. There are many reasons why they cannot believe, I know, but I hear over and over again how this or that person read this or that certain theologian and suddenly their faith is shattered and they descend into this funk, and then they can no longer believe.
It is more than the Dark Night of the Soul. I think it is anyway. It certainly resembles such a thing, but what are the origins of the experience? God? Man?
I am so glad I began my spiritual life in a system that emphasized the experiential nature of God, descendents of Wesley, because if I started in the intellectualism of much of the Episcopal Church that puts far too much emphasis on the reason leg of the stool, I donÂ’t know whether I would be a Christian right now. I might be a Christian through the ascent to a belief system, but I donÂ’t think I would know and be with my Father in Heaven.
The Dark Night
by: St. John of the Cross
“On a night of darkness,
In love’s anxiety of longing kindled,
O blessed chance!
I left by none beheld,
My house in sleep and silence stilled.
In darkness and secure,
By the secret ladder and disguised,
O blessed venture!
In darkness and concealed,
My house is sleep and silence stilled.
By dark of blessed night,
In secrecy, for no one saw me
And I regarded nothing,
My only light and guide
The one that in my heart was burning.
This guided, led me on
More surely than the radiance of noon
To where there waited one
Who was to me well known,
And in a place where no one came in view.
O night, you were the guide!
O night more desirable than dawn!
O dark of night you joined
Beloved with belov’d one,
Belov’d one in Beloved now transformed!
Upon my flowering breast,
Entirely kept for him and him alone,
There he stayed and slept
And I caressed him
In breezes from the fan of cedars blown.
Breezes on the battlements –
As I was spreading out his hair,
With his unhurried hand
He wounded my neck
And all my sense left suspended there.
I stayed, myself forgotten,
My countenance against my love reclined;
All ceased, and self forsaken
I left my care behind
Among the lilies, unremembered.”
Here, John writes of rejoicing in his union with God by the path of spiritual negation. Very sensual, which is common among the mystics.
There have been times past when the sense of God’s presence and my great desire for God have been so great, that I have experienced spiritually, emotionally, and physically such things – such passion, such… I just don’t know how to describe it.
That was a good while past. I don’t know whether the passion has waned, whether the desire is gone, or maybe just different now.