Well, I’m an uncle once again! Josef Paul Miller, born to my sister Nichole and brother-in-law Tony. He was born at 11:45 AM, 7 lbs 7 oz, 21″ long. My sister’s epidural didn’t kick-in in time. Ouch! She was induced.
Category Archives: personal
What do we become?
I’ve really come to the conclusion that those who have truly struggled with their faith and their orientation, even if presently reconciled, bear the scars their entire lives to one degree or another.
This struggle and its ramifications influences relationships as well as general life. Perhaps only in hindsight do we know whether relationships and life are influenced negatively – of course, sometimes yes and sometimes no, right? It is not a matter of “being over it,” because our very make-up is a result of our upbringing and thus the struggle; sometimes and with some people it can be a horrendous struggle. No matter how far we move away from our upbringing and earlier life, the influence remains even if but a shadow.
Where does this leave me, I wonder. If I put myself within the messy business of honestly wanting to know truth, all manner of things can result and I may not like the result. If I honestly seek after integrity, humility, and wisdom, then what manner of thing do I become and what must I struggle through?
If I claim to be this thing – a Christian – even if what I am is contrary to everything others say I should be, then when the rubber-hits-the-road and I bear the brunt of my convictions and have to struggle through the reality of my situations, what will I do? How will I act? What will I say? How selfish will I be? How hypocritical will I allow myself to be? I hope not much, even it if hurts, even if it doesn’t benefit me, even if I face harm, even if I look like the fool, even if I am trampled, even if I must die, even if… Where do the “even if’s” end in the economy of God, in the economy of Love, in the economy of the other?
World Christian
I’ve been spending far more time writing in my pen-and-paper journal than blogging of late and for various reasons. I’ve also been reading through years of past journals. I generally only write in my paper journals when things aren’t going all that well, like now, so when I read 20 odd years of journal entries I tend to see one screwed-up person. Well, not all that screwed-up in comparison to many other people, but messed-up nevertheless. I learn a great deal through journaling, and even more so when I go back and read from my past.
When I went to Germany to spend a year doing campus ministry work in Europe, I hoped to keep a consistent journal just to keep track of everything that happened. I did for a couple months, but then slacked off, as I always do. Here is an entry that I wrote during a short visit to a student ministry in Montpelier, in the south-west of France on the Mediterranean Sea:
2-26-1990, Montpelier, France:
So far, this has been interesting. I keep getting German and French all mixed up. Its been fun meeting all the different people – French, German, English, Cameroonian, South African, Kenyan, American, and others. Lots of languages. Lots of colors. This has been really neat, although there have been interesting times of communication, or attempts at communication. Last night, we all (12-15 of us) went to Harriet’s place, which was quite small. At first, I really didn’t feel much like going, but after I was there for a while my attitude changed quite a bit.
We began worshiping and I thought we should forget it because we couldn’t get it together. Finally, we were able to sing a few songs all together – French, German, American and British English, and other languages. We then began to pray.
As I thought about what was happening I was quite moved, but even more so now. I am continually so amazed at how color, national origins, culture, or language do not interfere with our brother/sisterhood, with our communion in Jesus Christ. We all sang and we all prayed, often not understanding each other, but all knowing that the One we serve binds us together. Knowing that the prayers we pray, not known by us all, come from hearts that are in unity of purpose and mind with our own. Thanking God together for our wonderful salvation, for bringing us all together, for the universities we serve and attend. It really was incredible. We serve a God that knows no boundaries, who loves and cares for us all the same, who has called us to another Kingdom to be citizens of another country, and to be ambassadors to this world.
If this is being a “World Christian,” there is certainly no better way to experience it and learn how to be one. Certainly, staying in American one can be a world-Christian, but there is a difference. One cannot know how it “feels” until one is in another part of the world. I consider myself so privileged to be able to not just understand what it is to be a world-Christian, but to learn how to actually be one in context.
There you go. Am I a “World Christian?” It depends on how I want to define that. I have changed so much over the past five years and I realize that what I wrote above I still believe, but I also know that in many parts of the world the way the Christians live out their faith is alien to me. There is one baptism, one Lord, one God of all who does consider us all the same, knows no boundaries, and longs for us to be in unity. Yet, the way we humans choose to live out the faith falls far short when we consider the two great commands of Jesus. God is one, yet we are so not one, except through the mystical Body of Christ in which God determines membership and not us, thankfully.
Freedom and Anglicanism – just thoughts
Last Saturday, during the diocesan convention of the Episcopal Diocese of San Joaquin, the convention with the prompting and encouragement of its bishop voted, for the second time and for final consent for action, to attempt to leave and finally have “freedom†from the Episcopal Church USA. Now, with their newfound freedom, they can honestly be the true Anglican and God-fearing church in the USA unbound by heresy and apostasy, at least that is what they are telling themselves. They also voted to align themselves with a very small extra-territorial province – the Province of the Southern Cone. This province comprises the lower portion of South America. It is small, it has an English archbishop, and is attempting to expand its influence by welcoming dioceses, congregations, and priests of the Episcopal Church USA and the Anglican Church of Canada that believe these two Anglican provinces are heretical and apostate. So, this is what San Joaquin did – or is attempting to do.
A priest, Dan Martins, who up until this past summer presided over the oldest and one of the largest Episcopal parishes in San Joaquin, but who resigned and is now in Northern Indiana, has blogged on these latest events. He is worth reading, primarily because he is sympathetic to many of the positions held by many traditionalists/Evangelicals/conservatives within the Episcopal Church and Anglican Communion, yet he does not believe schism is the answer. We need people like Dan… I need priests like Dan.
A quote from Dan’s latest entry
But the mistake both he and Bishop Schofield make, as was pointed out during debate by one of the clergy, is to ignore or downplay the fact that “there are a great many good and godly people in the Episcopal Church.” It is a fallacy on many levels to paint the entire Episcopal Church with the broad brush of its most radical members and leaders (including, of course, the Presiding Bishop and the Executive Council). This is precisely what my friends in SJ have done. It’s a mistake to do so, but it’s a very tempting and understandable mistake.
Read his blog.
I’ve been thinking a lot about “freedom” these past couple of weeks. We all say we want freedom, but what in the world is it? Many people who are looking out for my best interest say that it is a good thing that I am “free” of Ashton and his issues, if it were only that easy. But, what does that mean? Is that “freedom” defined as purely self-interest and not considering the wellbeing of the other, prudent, wise, or foolish and selfish? Many people say “let freedom ring,” but what use is “freedom” politically or socially if you are dying of starvation? Look at China. We would say that they are not a free society, yet the economic boom in many parts of that vast country enable people to live well and manage their own lives within the structures of Chinese Communism. Do they have a sense of “freedom?” Look at the Buddhist monks in Burma. That country is certainly not “free,” yet I would venture that those monks are far freer than you or I, living in the bastion of freedom, the good ‘ole USofA.
Then, of course, what does it mean for us to have freedom-for or freedom-from? Christians say that we realize or discover true freedom only in Christ. As I conclude reading “unChristian,” the reality is that most people who look at the Church find not a bunch of people who are “free,” but people who are simply bound up by different things than the “outsiders” are bound up by, and all the while pointing fingers at the outsiders in condemnation and in blindness of their own bondage. The Christians (or in the context of the book, American-Evangelical/Born-Again Christians) seem to be no more “free” than their secular or other-type-Christian counterparts. Where is their “freedom?”
Would any of us truly understand or recognize “freedom” if it hit us in the face? Christ has come to see us free – what does that mean? Would we even be able to function as we currently understand “life” if we were free from consumerism, materialism, anger, despair, war, worry, angst, judgmentalism, dependencies, addictions, dysfunctions, and whatever else any of us individually or corporately may understand as non-freedom? I don’t know. Too many of us are more comfortable in our bondage, no matter how terrible, than the unknown of what might be if we were free of those bondages. Lord, have mercy.
Blast from the past
I wanted to test to see how my website and weblog looked in Windows Vista. So, I went to my website and to my old journal entries, pre-blogging. So, here is my entry from July 4, 2002, a little more that a month before I left for seminary. Almost two months before I met Ashton.
The more things change, it seems, the more they stay the same. Here is the entry:
——
July 4, 2002; Akron, OH
I want to be genuine, honest, not a hypocrite in any aspect of my life. I remember a few years back while still living in Kent, I was having breakfast with a Chi Alpha staff person from Boston who I’ve known for years. It was during the time when I was changing my opinions on the compatibility of faith and orientation, which he still hasn’t done, but during the conversation he said to me, “you really have a thing about hypocrisy, don’t you.” I guess the answer would be yes, I do. I catch myself being that very thing, but I’m determined to not, to the best of my abilities.
Sometimes I actually feel this feeling, this sensation in my chest, when I think about wanting to be completely genuine – away from all the bravado, all the masks, all the expectations, all the layers surrounding my heart to protect myself – that builds walls, barriers that keep others out and myself behind, what?, behind something. I can’t be that way. I just can’t. I’m afraid of being pushed into this fake persona of expectation of others whom I serve, or those who are responsible for my formation. I can’t be something I’m not. What am I not? What am I?
I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to keep myself so open, so trusting, yet with discernment and wisdom. How can I be like one of the children – with innocence, trust, honesty. I’m determined, but I don’t know how. No pretense. No agenda. No selfish motivation. No selfish ambition. To love others and desire their best before my own – to have the humility and strength to be trusted. To maybe somehow, someway, be an example to those struggling to find themselves that they won’t have to hide from the world, from those who care, who love them. That they can trust once again. An example in failure, one in success.
I know I haven’t the ability, the words, the wisdom to be such a person. I know my weakness. The only thing I know to do is try to be vulnerable and true. To be vulnerable and true. It seems so hard at times. It seems almost impossible to simply be that kind of person, by nature, no longer by purpose. God, how I want to be that kind of person. A sincere life, a genuine life, a life lived to the full, mature, complete, lacking nothing, a life that may be helpful even in failure, in weakness, in all my lacking. How do I be that kind of person, always?
Can anyone appreciate that? Does anyone understand that?
“Close your eyes; rest my love. Worry about it tomorrow with the morning light on our side.”
What a beautiful picture, a beautiful sentiment. Heart felt, sincere. It’s a line from the last track, Lullaby, from Skott Freedman’s Swimming After Dark CD.
I think I am in one of those moods, one of those feelings – right before leaving to see fireworks. The sun is shining on one side of my house and storming on the other – thunder rolling. Moving quickly, chaotic. I feel that way right now. I wish people would just do things as they said they would.
We learn too late
I’ve been hit, forcefully, with the realization that trying to do two jobs when both are all consuming is killing me. It has already killed a relationship (where both of us were preoccupied with things other than our beloved – how easily we are blinded to the inevitable results). My misplaced “adventure” has caused my life to be very unbalanced and has effected all parts of my life – physically, emotionally, spiritually. I can’t keep doing this.
I’ve also realized the result of trying for five years to live as a left-brained person, when I am not that kind of person. I can’t keep doing this! Reality has hit home.
My preoccupation with all the troubles within Anglicanism and the Episcopal Church has done me no good. It has poisoned my thoughts and my spirit. There is nothing wrong with keeping up with what is going on, forming opinions, and expressing those opinions, trying to help. The problem comes into play when I allow all the dysfunctions of others to become my own. The problem is when I take upon myself other people’s issues, their hardened hearts, their blindness. This isn’t good for a priest – for anyone. I see what we have done to two religion writers, and it is wrong.
I see my failing. I see my wrong. All interpersonal problems ride on a two-way-street, but part of that street belongs to me and I have to face it head on, admit it, ask forgiveness where necessary, forgive when needed, and move on. My prayer is that the other will do the same, but I cannot guarantee that he or she will. My prayer is that he will, but it seems to be too late. Perhaps for the better.
Here is how I wish I would have loved – how I wish I will love my God, myself, Ashton, and my neighbor:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
Time
The Church catholic and Christians and the religion in general can be and have done remarkable things. It, they and we have perpetuated the worst of everything thinkable upon people and within societies. I don’t know how to identify the difference between those who do live a life that is imbued with the call of Jesus and his way, the way God desires for us all, and the other group, the rest of the vast majority of people and institutions that call themselves “Christian” whose lives and policies demonstrate through their actions and words anything but the way of Jesus – all the while they demand respect as “Christians” and condemn anyone who doesn’t think like them or support their cause. I’m no better, but in perhaps different ways.
Back around 1992-1994, I left American-Evangelicalism and Pentecostalism because I just couldn’t take the hypocrisy, the lies, the self-righteous egos and attitudes, the self-deception, and the condemnation, scorn, and dripping condescension they so easily levied upon those who were not like them. Not everyone was like that, of course, but I knew that it was either leave or die spiritually. I knew that this wasn’t God, but I couldn’t stay around that part of the Church any longer. Frankly, I’ve seen only a worsening of the movement since then, primarily because of insecurity, envy, and the compulsion for worldly power and money.
I thought about Quakerism and the Anabaptist tradition. I had always been attracted to liturgical worship and the idea of a sacramental church. I began attending an Episcopal Church after finishing my Master’s degree – St. Paul’s Church in Akron, OH. I moved to Highland Square in Akron after finishing my degree and the church was down the street. I didn’t want to get involved; I didn’t want to know people. I just wanted to experience what this kind of worship and theology were all about. I knew that Roman Catholicism wasn’t a right choice. I didn’t know enough about Eastern Orthodoxy.
I found in Anglicanism and increasingly in Anglo-Catholicism a way of being a Christian that was honest and ancient and deep, yet not without its own problems. I found the best of the ancient traditions and saw in the lives of the saints and martyrs and doctors of the Church something real and profound, despite their foibles and problems.
Now, with the infestation of Anglican-Evangelicalism with the rankish spirit of American-Evangelicalism/Fundamentalism and from the fundamentalistic pseudo-liberal Anglicans, I am finding myself back in a similar place that I experienced in the early 1990’s. I know it isn’t God and I see good and bad within us all and within this Church, Anglican. I just don’t know how to separate out that which is truly God and that which is not. Some people find that process very easy, but I don’t.
The organized Church doesn’t reflect Jesus and God’s will for the most part. It has good PR, tells a good story, likes to deceive itself into believing it is something it is not, and all that. Yet, it is in all its imperfections the instrument that God still uses to accomplish some very good things – somehow. The longer I live, I am only more convinced that we all are depraved, bent, broken and it is an amazing accomplishment when good comes from us. Of course, this is the story of God and redemption and forgiveness and mercy and love and restoration and healing and peace and joy despite the circumstances, and this is loving one’s neighbor as one’s self – doing unto others as we would have them do unto us.
This thing, this Christian thing, is really quite simple. Be honest. Have a sober estimation of oneself. Be humble. Don’t judge, for that is God’s business. Honor God and keep his commandments – which for us is simply to love God and love neighbor.
Why can’t we do this? Why? Yes, yes, I know all the psycho-social arguments. Why can we not do this? Really. Why not?
I came to all this stuff this morning after reading the article in the Los Angels Times about the loss of faith of their former religion reporter. Here is the link to the article. Read it.
Religion beat became a test of faith
My faith in God isn’t slipping. My faith in the Church is. My faith in people rests with the understanding that we are all capable of great good and horrendous evil. God is a respecter of persons – He calls us to the good, the beautiful, the sane, the giving of self, healing, restoration, reconciliation, but He will not force any of it upon us, and we bear the burden of the consequences of our rejection and deception. I just want to find people who want to live the simple faith. People who mean it. To work for the best, deny ourselves, and love. God helps us.
Romans 1
I was thinking about Romans chapters 1 and 2 this morning and decided to read a portion from The Message version of the Bible.
Romans 1:19 –
“But the basic reality of God is plain enough. Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can’t see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of his divine being. So nobody has a good excuse. What happened was this: People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn’t treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives. They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life…”
That one line: “They… trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction left in their lives.” The sense that people trivialize themselves into silliness has struck me. We are children of God, why do we so tend to deal with ourselves in ways that do not recognize our place before God – his heirs, his children. We would rather, what, live lesser, demeaned, defamed lives with regard to who and what we truly are, what we are capable of, what has been given to us.
We have lost our ability to rightly understand life, our lives; love, how to love vulnerably and honestly; hope, for we hope in things that are superficial and vanish; joy, for we believe we can find happiness and satisfaction in things; our kindred, for we lose our ability for relationships and the life sustaining presence that they provide; fullness, for the downward spiral can’t stop and we become lesser and lesser of what we were created to be until we are – lost.
God has shown us the way out of the mire. We, I truly think instinctively, know where to go to find the way out, but we don’t. We often would rather be blind, illiterate regarding life, and believe we know better. We find ourselves descending into silliness and confusion and harm. God has shown us the way out. Will we listen, will we heed his call, will we take the steps necessary to find the Way that makes us whole again?
Hard to handle
It is a terrible thing when one finds out that he has contributed unwittingly in making another person’s life, well, hell. It is horribly terrible when one knows that there is nothing he can do to make it better.
I can’t express how sorry I am.
Stress… Funny
My sister gave me a calendar for Christmas. It is very funny. I turned the page this morning and there is a cartoon character, just the head, screaming.
Here is the caption:
“STRESS is when you wake up screaming… and realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”
I am just about there.