Micah 6:8
He has told you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Boredom is not something I have the luxury of being inflicted with at the moment. Depression? – maybe, disillusionment? – possibly, but not boredom.
St. Paul’s has a summer book club and now we are reading The Diary of a Country Priest, by Georges Bernanos. The book takes place in France after WWII and before Vatican II and is written by a young priest in his first parish. I wonder how much more applicable today are this priest’s thoughts on boredom then even then.
“Well, as I was saying, the world is eaten up by boredom. To perceive this needs a little preliminary thought: you can’t see it all at once. It is like dust. You go about and never notice, you breathe it in, you eat and drink it. It is sifted so fine, it doesn’t even grit on your teeth. But stand still for an instant and there it is, coating your face and hands. To shake off this drizzle of ashes you must be for ever on the go. And so people are always ‘on the go.’ Perhaps the answer would be that the world has long been familiar with boredom, that such is the true condition of man. No doubt the seed was scattered all over life, and here and there found fertile soil to take root; but I wonder if man has ever before experienced this contagion, this leprosy of boredom: an aborted despair, a shameful form of despair in some way like the fermentation of Christian decay.
“Naturally I keep these thoughts to myself…” (pp. 2-3)

I was informed yesterday that the data-research position at the Medical Trust is not going to be filled, which means the direction I thought the next year would go, will not. I’ve been working in the position for the last three months and had planned on going full-time and working at St. Paul’s in Brooklyn for the coming year. This will not happen, as it seems now.
All I have to do is remember the summer I looked for work after finishing my firsts master’s degree to know that very good things can be at the end of a long wait. I have never known a time when God has not provided for me – not the way I wanted or thought it should be done, not when I wanted Him to, but God has always made a way for me in thick and thin.
All I need to do is remember two of my friends in Cleveland, skilled professionals, who went through a period of over a year each searching for a job. I cannot imagine what that was like, especially for one of them.
All I need to do is to do what I can – plan, seek, be diligent, pray, and be open to what I may or may not be doing correctly. Of course, this wait may not at all be “all about me!” I just don’t like it.

I am moving out of the seminary, today. Moving to a place for a job and home is one thing. Yes, all of us will miss Chelsea Square – our home for three years and all of our experiences. That’s normal. Moving away to a temporary place in a relatively unknown place without the assurance of anything is quite another thing. Leaving Chelsea Square isn’t about fond memories and saying good-bye to close friends for the sake of great adventures, but leaving a place where at least I know the lay of the land and people and that helps calm the anxiety of professional limbo.
So, I’m leaving. I am very fortunate for my job at the Church Medical Trust, for a place to move to, and knowing that I have friends and family that will help at any moment if I need it. I cannot imagine what it is like for those who truly having nothing, no where to go, and no one to depend on or fall back upon. I can complain and feel all the feelings inside, but I do not really know the anguish of those who truly have nothing and no one. I am profoundly privileged in this world of heartache and pain. Perspective. It’s all about perspective.

Today, much of the uncertainty and chaos in my life came home to roost. I have to be moved out of the seminary by Friday, so until I know where I am going or what I am will be doing I will be staying with Ashton in New Jersey. He helped me move some of my stuff still not in storage – in Ohio or the Bronx – to his little, tiny apartment within a very large manor house. I will move the rest at the end of the week.
I feel depressed and very defeated today – no energy, no anything. I think the straw that broke the “I’m doing good” camel’s back is that while I’m still living at the seminary I can much more easily handle all the uncertainty of living in limbo, but now that the very familiar living space is being yanked from under me, absolutely everything of any familiarity is going by the wayside. It is just hard.
I know I will come through this as I have in the past. Time, age, and experience have their benefits, but I think I am the last person in my class to not have a position (aside from the fact that I am making far more than any of them right now working at the Church Medical Trust). I just figured that by now, I would be in a ministry position. I want some normality; I want some stability; I want some familiarity back in my life.
Today, I’m not doing very well – good isn’t good enough at the moment.

I’ve said a number of times that I don’t feel worthy to be the vicar or rector of a church, a curate in a parish, a deacon in the Church of God. I don’t! I’m not!
The question, I guess, is whether I want to be worthy. By God’s standard neither I nor any of us are worthy, yet God declares those whom He calls worthy, despite ourselves. The need is still present to yearn for and to strive for worthiness – for holiness, perhaps. Do I want to be worthy?
To be worthy, or rather to engage in the pursuit of worthiness – the pursuit of God – requires me to turn onto a different path. There is a different way of living and moving and having one’s being. To be deacon and priest, I am no longer a man as most men are, but one whom God calls and more importantly one who gives over his life completely to God and God’s will. That is the call of all of us who claim Christ – to give over our lives to God completely – but to be deacon and priest necessitates different responsibilities and different accountability. Do I want to be worthy? Do I want that kind of responsibility? Do I want to give over my life entirely?
I doubt my ability, but if the community and those responsible for these kinds of things believe I am called by God to hold these offices, then they must see some sort of ability or worthiness in me. I realize, more fully now than ever, that it is not by might, nor by power, nor my intelligence, nor my ability to empathize, nor organizational skill, nor anything for that matter, but by the power of God – His grace, His love, His compassion, His mercy, His wisdom, His power, His discerning that I can do anything. By all this, by the Holy Trinity, I can stumble through and do. Worthy? No. Do I wanna be worthy?

I had to realize a few weeks ago that my job search might not be conventional. Nothing much has been conventional in my life since college, so why start now? Here is the idea I am playing around with: I have a very good job at the Church Medical Trust data-mining information. When I did this kind of work at Kent State for Undergraduate Studies we used a program known as FOCUS. While writing “FOCUS reports” was a small part of my job, I still referred to them as the “F” word. I can do it, but I would rather be doing a boatload of other things. I am very thankful to Dr. Kuhn (former boss) who paid me to learn this stuff because now it affords me the opportunity to earn very good money while still looking for a full-time ministry position.
My former field-placement parish, St. Paul’s Carroll St. in Brooklyn, is a great parish on the verge of moving from a pastoral size parish to a program-sized parish. Fr. Cullen needs help, but right now the finances just won’t allow for another staff person. I am continuing on as their transitional deacon, which keeps me in line for my priestly ordination in December (Lord willing). I would love to work at St. Paul’s, but it is just not possible right now.
So, with a job giving me enough support to live, even in New York City, maybe I am to be a “worker-priest” or a “tent-maker” serving St. Paul’s until they are able to raise the money to hire another clergy person – whether me or someone else.
Timing has not been so good. Well… I had to move from Hoffman 5 last week in preparation for the complete renovation of the 10th Ave. buildings. Luckily, a friend is away from the seminary for the month of July, so he has kindly allowed me to stay in his apartment. I realize, thou, that I cannot stop looking for a more permanent place to live. What happens in three and a half weeks? I visited a wonderful place this past weekend that is about to start receiving names for a new vicar. I loved the place! Perhaps this could be it? The problem is that the new person will be beginning in October, so even if I did get the position I would have to find a place to live from August through October. Most of my stuff is in storage at this point (in New York and another bunch of stuff in Lima, OH) and multiple moves is not what I look forward to. Yet, I do, as I have to do. I pray “Lord, Your will be done,” and I mean it. So, perhaps my experience in the past has enabled me to go through this time, this season, and wait when others may not have been (be) able to.
We shall see, but thus far God has provided and I am doing well.

Buying boxes for the move.
Walking along a Chelsea street,
looking down.
A baby is without his binky.
Look out!

John died this morning at 9:30 am when the doctors removed his resperator.
I knew him just a few weeks, but he made quite an impression. I regret his leaving, but rejoice in his new life.
Into your hands, O merciful Savior, we commend your servant John. Acknowledge, we humbly beseech you, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive him into the arms of your mercy, into the blessed rest of everylasting peace, and into the glorious company of the saints in light. Amen.

There was a guy that just started showing up at chapel a few months ago – the daily offices, daily Eucharist, Compline, etc. After a time and after seeing him in the library, I introduced myself and we got to know one another. He lives here in Chelsea about a block from the seminary and over the past year has been home bound by a strange illness effecting his heart. He told me that during his illness he used to say the daily office over the Internet, but now that he was recovering he came to the seminary to be with real people once again. John is a great guy, and I am amazed that he maintains such a positive and upbeat attitude.
About three weeks ago, John returned to the hospital because of some strange back pains. Doctors discovered that he has Hodgkin’s Disease. He started chemotherapy. I was surprised to see him at a local coffee shop a week ago last Tuesday (May 31st). He had undergone his first round of chemotherapy and was as positive and upbeat as ever. We planned to get together when I returned from Ohio. Yesterday, June 12th, a mutual friend told me that John has returned to the hospital and has been given only a couple days to live. He is now on a ventilator and is unconscious. I am in shock.
Life is so fragile. I am amazed at the resilience of the human body, the soul, the will for life. Yet, life is so fragile. Please pray for John and his family. I have witness seemingly miraculous recoveries of cancer patients (even last summer during CPE!). All things are possible for God, but in all things God’s will be done. If it is John’s time, I know that though he is absent from his body he is present with Christ. For a Christian, the end is no more.