This morning, at 10:00 am, at St. Paul’s Carroll St., I celebrated my first Eucharist, or as they say at St. Paul’s – Mass. Low-mass, Rite I Prayer II. I was/am glad!
It took six weeks after my ordination, but I didn’t want this, too, to be a hurried affair. Even while I say that my priestly ordination was the culmination of around seven years of discernment and work, it was really this morning when it all came together. Being ordained to the priesthood without fulfilling my priestly sacramental functions – then why be a priest? I actually did a competent job.

It dawned on me the other day that I have allowed myself to be drawn into and consumed by negativity. How did that happen?
Pessimism and negativity and confrontationalism is overwhelming so many people in this country on both the left and right.
An aspect of many, not all but many, people who tend to be on the more liberal side of things is a residing negativity that seems to be always present. I’m not sure why, but that has been my observation. There is always a crisis right around the corner that will destroy just about everything. Of course, we also see this kind of attitude when dealing with morals and God’s coming punishment on what has become the Religious-Right. Right now, the left pushes the next crisis as global warming. In the 1979’s, I can remember it was the coming ice-age. In a matter of 20-30 years, we went from dire predictions of advancing ice-sheets that will cover most of the upper part of the northern hemisphere to dire predictions of melting ice-sheets that will flood all our costal cities and forever damage our fragile environment. Does anyone remember the coming energy crisis when all the world’s oil will be completely depleted by the 1990’s and the world economy will be plunged back into the pre-industrial era?
This isn’t the stuff of philosophical liberalism, but it is the way liberal politics fueled by political-correctness and identity-politics (and lots of other things) has played out over the last 40 years or so. I have to say, too, that the emphasis on dealing with the less fortunate and less advantage among us that permeated liberalism is quite laudable and far closer to a core of the Gospel than was evident in many blue-blood Republican conservatives. If it were not for these liberals, much of the care for and integration of those who are not WASPs into every aspect of American life may not have happened as quickly or at all, no matter that the methods to achieve such care and integration didn’t work very well.
One thing I liked about pre-Bush & pre-Religious Right culture-wars era conservatism is the optimism that seemed to imbue many, not all but many, conservative people. There was a trust in human ingenuity, there was faith in the human spirit, and there was an expectation for personal liberty and responsibility. The idea that the solutions to our problems were always available as we humans put our minds to the solutions and as the need (and economic imperative) made such solutions available and probable. We can face our future head on with a positive and hopeful spirit.
Again, many conservatives didn’t want non-WASP’s anywhere near them nor to participate in the full life of the nation. Many conservatives would have rather impose their solutions on the populace rather than allow the people to decide for themselves.
Those who whether intentionally or unintentionally worked against the positive aspects of both philosophical liberalism and conservatism betrayed their own inner inconsistencies. They were and are not “true conservatives” or “true liberals” in the classical sense.
So, I’ve found myself falling into the pseudo-liberal negativity, (which has also overtaken the pseudo-conservatives) even though I really do identify as a moderate (whatever that really means). I have seen the nefarious intentions of those godless or apostate types, as do so many post-Bush/Religious Right pseudo-conservatives. I have found myself being so absorbed by all this stuff that I have not lived into, as I used to do, the positive-ness that sees the future as hopeful and anything but negative despite obvious hardships and problems, as an opportunity to live life in the full (being content in all things despite the circumstances, as Paul wrote), as an opportunity for human ingenuity (an aspect of being make in the image of God) to work to solve our pressing and future problems. I have let negativity rob me of the joy and eagerness for what lies ahead; and you know what, that really deadens one’s life! Life and all its stuff is not a zero-sum game.
So, I refocus and retake control of my future. As a Christian my happiness or hopefulness do not lie in the “systems of this world.” There are dire problems in our world and great human suffering, but we work for their relief. Let those who want to destroy and denigrate go right ahead. They are destroying their own lives, their own security and satisfaction, and I don’t have to participate with them. I take the step to move forward with what I believe to be a vision for ministry and life that is given to me by God (no, not just me but to all of us), a means of living that draws me closer to who I am in Christ and for the purposes God has for my life. There is nothing negative about that. Why do I find myself so easily pulled away and into the quagmire?

As I read through various blogs and news reports about what our Church is experiencing these days, domestically and internationally, I still find myself with the feeling of standing between two polls and each poll is pulling strongly in its direction. I feel tied to elements or aspects of both polls. It’s hard to resist giving into the allure of certainty that comes with fully embracing either side. It is tiring.
My past still exerts a strong influence on me, and I hope that I carry with me the best of that expression of the Christian faith. I can say “amen” to much of what this side says about the faith. Yet, that expression just doesn’t do if for me any longer. I know that ultimately it matters not what “does it for me.” It isn’t about me, but I cannot remain in a place that I no longer find compelling or see going in directions that I think are counter to Jesus’ teachings.
I often have knee-jerk reactions to some people or positions on the other poll. I can find lots of stuff to disagree with, but that is approaching the poll from a place of negativism – and how can I learn anything if I’m not willing to put aside my own proclivities or unwillingness to even consider the arguments of this side? Aside from the knee-jerk reactions to some aspects, I do find much I can agree with.
My former seminary roommate, Jason, seems inclined to be closer to one of the polls than I am. Despite the fact that he may well feel I don’t listen to what he says, I do. It is in the relationships we have that words and actions come together and challenge us more than we may know. I am thankful for these kinds of relationships – for the Jason’s. If it were not for him and others, all I would be doing is gathering around me teachers who scratch my itching ears. Remember what Paul wrote to Timothy? (2 Timothy 4:3)

Since leaving the seminary last August, I’ve been temporarily staying with Ashton in West Orange, NJ. I thought I might be here a month at the most. I’ve now been here 10 months, but tomorrow I’m moving again. I never expected that I would be living 10 months out of a few boxes with all my stuff, my books, in storage in two different states. Four more months in yet another location, and I will have belongings in three different locations – I’m being spread way too thin!
The family that owns the house in which Ashton has lived for the past four years or so and where I’ve stayed are moving on, and by necessity so are we. I have to decide by this evening were I will be living for the next four months until the apartment above the rectory at St. Paul’s finally becomes available. Ostensibly, I will be living in Brooklyn more permanently and will be able to bring all my stuff to one location.
I don’t know what I will find when I begin unpacking! I’ve said for a long time that I want to live simply, and for the most part I have. Yet, things accumulate and not wanting to be wasteful I keep moving all the stuff I’ve accumulated. These past 10 months have reinforced in me the understanding that I do not need very much. I just don’t. I don’t need to buy into American consumerism or materialism – but it is hard not to.
Tomorrow, everything changes once again. I’m tired of everything changing again and again. I know that change is the watchword for the American social zeit geist, but there does come a point where even the most adept at change realize a diminishing return, particularly concerning relationships.
I’m just tired of yet another something.

Thus far, I think I can say that I have quick and frustrated (if not angry) reactions to hypocrisy and inconsistency, particularly toward those who claim the title “conservative” or “liberal” but who do not act according to the principles of those terms. For example, when conservatives promote policies that only increase the government’s intrusion into our personal lives. Another example: when liberals claim to want to be diverse and include all people in the conversation or at the table, but in fact will not consider including conservatives – only those who are willing to be as “open minded” and “accepting” as they obviously are.
For aspects of the Church, examples might include: when conservatives are more about imposing a specific theological bent or practice rather than being about passing down the traditions (practice and belief) to the next generation or when liberals rather than promoting space for honest questioning and inquiry are more intent on imposing positions of identity politics, political correctness, or skewed notions of diversity.
I probably do not perceive correctly my own failures in these areas, and that is why I need the fellowship of people from all different perspectives who will keep me honest!

I’ve been journaling online for around six years now and before “blogging” came into vogue. Over that time, patterns and themes developed and it’s interesting to discover those things which continue to come up time and again. For third party readers, these themes may be obvious, but they are not so obvious to those who possess them – me in this case.
Anyway, I will continue to repeat myself as I continue to try to work through some of these thoughts of mine. I try to put into words the jumble of ideas and questions that race through my mind, never being really satisfied that I’ve hit on the right words or the phrase or the right thought progression; so, I try again and again. I know I’m not brilliant, I’m not an intellectual, and not very original, but still I’m hardly ever settled with what I’ve put down in words. I’m never satisfied.
I think that is the M.O. of my thought life. I think I try and try to figure ways of understanding and reconciling various aspects of life, particularly concerning issues of our faith and social structures. I keep saying that the way and cause of Jesus is not conservative or liberal, but the way of Jesus is always a third way. So what the heck is this “third way?” Herein lays the quandary, the quest, the frustration, and the excitement.
More to come…

Well, it is all over now. It is time to get back to the business of ministry and making Christ known.
I look forward to seeing how the new PB will pick up that office. I have heard from many that she really is the most qualified and competent, despite not being a long-time ordained person.
We wait and see what happens. I will continue to think through what I really do believe about our catholicity, about what we should and should not do with reference to others around the world who do not like what we’ve done.
Tomorrow, I get together with a our weekly clergy group in New York. We are going to discuss where we go from here. We’re not going to dwell so much about what has happened these past 10 days or so at Convention, but about moving forward with a vision for our ministries and our churches.

I just watched a video interview with Kendall Harmon after today’s proceedings. Here is the link if you wish to watch the whole thing.
I want to post a quote from the interview: “You can feel that people sense that where the church is heading is not where they want to go and not where they believe God is calling them to go. The hard part is how do you live in tension with that and what they need to not do is be driven by their emotions over the degree of the problem.”
You see, I can agree with Kendall that many people are feeling that this Church is going a wrong or skewed direction. Heck, I feel it. The problem, for me at least, is what direction am I to go? I won’t go back to the direction of the Akinola-ian conservatives. I can’t go in the direction of Spongian liberals.
I’ve written this before. Here is what I can say about the direction I can go – I believe that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. I believe Christ has died; Christ is risen; Christ will coming again. I believe our paramount calling and duty as those who follow Jesus is to love God with all our being and our neighbor as ourselves. I will be a Prayer Book Episcopal priest. I will with charity understand that people will differ with me on how to live out all this stuff in the real world, and that they could well be right.
I believe in the historic Anglican way of approaching our faith and Holy Scripture – not with the intent of upturning the oxcart, but with tradition and reason as guides – by allowing questions, even doubts, and investigating what might well be the Holy Spirit guiding us into more correct understandings of God and our lives here on earth. This is nothing new, nothing profound, but a way of going forward through the landmines of American ecclesial politics.
It is a middle way, an Anglican way, and a way that is not in the direction of a good portion of the American Anglican right or the American Anglican left.
I want to say that after my short conversation with Kendall at Convention, I hope that the conversation will continue. I believe we truly do have more in common, even concerning the underlying and very important foundational issues, then what we may differ over. That’s my opinion.

I just saw the new X-Men movie. Why do comic book authors, screen play writers, and directors get it far better at times than we in the Church, particularly this Church? Xavier is the image of Christ. Listen to how he approaches issues, foes, and those under his charge.
If you did not see the final clip after all the credits rolled by, you missed a most significant ending.
Our country cries out for spiritual experience and connection with God. What do we give them? – so much watered-down faith, quasi-Christianity. American Evangelicalism is as much a failure than new-age liberal Christianity to the growing majority of unchurched people.