There is so much swirling around in my head and there is no time to sift through it all. How wonderful it would be to have time just to think, to work through things, or to be able to complete a project in a thorough manner.
It would be nice, but that is not the world in which I live, and frankly it is the world of too many of us. So, we do what we can.
I need to remind myself that the Church is God’s – St. Paul’s, The Episcopal Church, the Anglican Communion, or the Assemblies of God to extend out even further. I tend to be a perfectionist and to set high expectations for myself. I have learned to be realistic, but in the back of my mind a voice still says, “You should be able to do all this and do it up to the standards that the people and God warrant.” It would be nice.
Why am I here? I am here to glorify God. I am here to be in relationship with those around me. I am here to love them and help them be as God’s desires them to be – free, joyful, faithful, loving, forgiving, free (because this is very important), secure, content, giving, free, at peace, able to hear the still small voice of God, and so many other things.
I am a priest. This isn’t a job; it is a sense of being. It is more than an identity. My life is not my own, and I am one under authority. I am one in Holy Orders – a servant. Honestly, all the other stuff is (or should be) on the periphery. I too often focus on those peripheral things because they shout the loudest to be paid attention to.
From the Westminster Larger Catechism:

Question 1: What is the chief and highest end of man?
Answer: Man’s chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy him forever.

The Shorter Catechism is the same, only shorter (funny how that works, isn’t it?) and more familiar:

Q. 1. What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

Oh, that this would always be in the forefront of my thoughts!
This brings me to the attitude adjustment that I’ve needed for a long time. I just hope it sticks. The work of my mind or hands is a service to the Church, in whatever function I happen to be fulfilling or in whatever capacity I am called: data-analyst, priest, spiritual director, confessor, gutter cleaner-outer, graphic designer, and so on.

Today is my birthday. I turn 45 years old, entering my 46th year of life. I’m off to the Long Island Diocesan Convention – yeeha.

Here we are, November 1, 2006. Today, we move forward in our lives, in our hopes, and in our loves. Today, we see our weakness and realize our need. Today, we better understand our place in the world and how we may contribute to the elevation of humanity upward to something better. Today, we see the suffering of humanity and are startled by our own complacency. Today, we are called to have our being in the midst of the One who brings all things into reconciliation with Him, with one another, and with all of Creation. Today, we are presented with a way forward where we can realize our true selves, our true potential, and experience contentment in whatever condition of life we may find ourselves – peace that surpasses all understanding, joy beyond emotion, freedom born of the security of knowing that we are no longer bound by the systems of this world – whether realized just yet or not? Things hoped for yet not seen.
Will we accept this? Will we allow the Giver of Life and Peace to transform our hearts and minds so that we are able to honestly, truly, sincerely, and habitually love God with our whole being and love our neighbor as ourselves? Will we humble ourselves so that we perceive of a new way that enables the hungry to be fed, the lame to be healed, humanity to live in peace; and because we have been fundamentally changed that there exudes from us a light and difference that draws the fears and anger and frustration of humanity into ourselves in order to relieve and to free and to give hope? Like Jesus did.
Will we?

This past weekend, I flew to Ohio and drove back to New York with the stuff I had in storage in Ohio. For the first time in four and a half years, all my belongings are in one place. At one point a few months ago, I had stuff in five different locations. That isn’t a good thing!
Now, all I have to do is get everything organized and try to answer the pertinent question, “Why in the world did I keep this?”
Aimee Mann writes in her song, I’ve Had It, that “when things are really great, it just means that everything is in its place.”
So, now, I’ve got to find everything’s place!?

It’s too easy to be pulled off target. What should be the few basic things we aim for in life that will bring about an honest and true balanced life?
In a culture of consumption and a culture that demands our self-worth be defined by externals (the degree of wealth or power or physical prowess or beauty or talent or education or whatever-lifts itself-up-at-the-moment) that we can accumulate or attain, we will never make it to that point of balance if we allow ourselves to be subsumed by its demands.
To what are we called? Within the Christian faith, it is first to love God with all our being and secondly to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Selflessness? Considering the needs of or what will benefit others before our own needs? Rejection of those things within culture that work counter to the Way of Christ? What is the “Way of Christ?”
Really, what is that “Way” – can we disassociate from our culture enough and put aside the demands of our fellow citizens who consciously or unconsciously demand our acquiescence and confirmation to the culture’s way-of-things to begin to learn, to move, to have our being within God’s economy of life?
Jesus was crucified for looking at things in such a way. His disciples where martyrs because of that way of being. What could it cost us? What will it cost to keep balance, to keep our sight on the target? I don’t know if I’m doing such a good job.
Galatians 5:1 – Freedom in Christ

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

In our proto-Home Group (I am helping St. Paul’s develop a Home Group/Cell Group structure) two weeks ago, we were reading through the final sections of Peter’s first epistle. We are to be prepared always to give a defense for why we believe. So, the assignment for this week’s home group is to write a “spiritual autobiography” with the thought in the back of our minds to write in a way that will help us be prepared to give a reason for why we believe.
Here in New York, there is a kind of fascination of those who have faith, but generally for those who can simply live a life of faith without the rancor or antagonism or condemnation that is so prevalent in many Christians of a certain sort who are doing battle in their Culture War. I can’t help but run into people who want to discuss spiritual issues, God, Christianity, and what it all means in and for life. To be able to give a good explanation of or reason for the faith is important.

Fr. Jake Stops the World has made available space for essays, what in Evangelicalism would be called a testimony – of sorts, of faith and of why Anglicanism and The Episcopal Church is now so important to the writers. The first story reminds me in many ways of my own story – my own defense of the faith.
For this week’s home group, I hope to better hone my understanding of my own spiritual journey, why I came into Anglicanism, and why I am now a priest in this Church. This is a different endeavor than the spiritual autobiographies I’ve had to write leading up to ordination. It is important to remind ourselves, those of us who find in easier to talk about the significance of God in our lives, to remind ourselves why we continue on this very challenging and difficult journey of relationship with God.

Today is one of those days. I’m fed up with people not making decisions, not following through, and things not getting done. I’m tired of waiting on other people when I know I could get the thing done in far less time, and frankly with far less effort.
I’m tired of being inconvenienced by the efforts, or lack of efforts, of others. There are just times when the perceived incompetence of others becomes too much.
Then, I have to tell myself that I am not any better. Do I really believe that? In some circumstances, absolutely. In other circumstances, not at all, but feigning humility in these instances is a cultural requirement.
I determined a number of years ago after becoming so danged frustrated with idiotic Christians and this sub-par subcultural “American Christian” life that attempts to pass for a real life-in-Christ, that I would try to the best of my ability to be honest, open, transparent, vulnerable, and as real as I can possibly be. I understand the ramifications of trying to be such a person. I realize that when I strive to make my “yes’s” be “yes” and my “no’s” be “no,” that some people will not understand and will not like it. Yet, what else can I do? Part of the first step in attempting to be this way, at least for me, was to recognize and acknowledge my own failures and realize that I can and will be absolutely wrong.
If I do not want to fall into the same trap that so many other people fall into, if I don’t want to play the same childish games that we Christians so often play, if I don’t want to be a hypocrite, how else can I live my life other than to try to be as open, honest, vulnerable, and Christ-like as I can be? I have to admit, at the same time, that I fail, often. That is the painful reality of it all.
I can do nothing else and remain true to what I believe Christ calls me to. I cannot help how others will respond or react. I’ve been turned down. I may not realize positions of authority or opportunities because I don’t “play the game” like the big-boys/girls want it played. It isn’t about being heroic or anti-anything, but about being as true to what I perceive as the call of God for my life as I can be, with God’s help. What else can I do?

So, Fr. Jim Tucker from Dapple Things is posting random iPod shuffle lists of the first 10 songs played. Here are the rules he suggests:

The rules, for bloggers who want to play:
Get your ipod or media-player of choice, select your whole music collection, set the thing to shuffle (i.e., randomized playback), then post the first ten songs that come out. No cheating, no matter how stupid it makes you feel! Maybe link the songs to online music stores for readers’ convenience.

And so, I begin with this list from my train ride to Mid-town Manhattan:

1. Cowboy Junkies: ‘Sun Comes Up, It’s Tuesday Morning’ from Best of Cowboy Junkies
2. Aimee Mann: ‘Video’ from The Forgotten Arm
3. Smashing Pumpkins: ‘The Everlasting Gaze’ from Rotten Apples: Greatest Hits
4. Slavyanka Men’s Chorus: ‘Dostonino yest’ (It Is Fitting)’ from Russian Church Music
5. Skott Freedman: ‘Lately’ from Swimming After Dark
6. Bobri Christov: ‘Hymn of the Cherubim’ (excerted/edictd) from Sacred Treasures I
7. Bob Griffith – my Senior Sermon at GTS – not a song and too long for now…
8. Sigur Ros: ‘Svo Hijott’ from Takk…
9. Moby: ‘Hotel Intro’ from Hotel, Disk 1
10. Sufjan Stevens: ‘We Won’t Need Legs to Stand’ from Seven Swans

Well, tomorrow I will be singing my first mass. St. Paul’s is initiating me into the ranks of those priests who carry on the tradition of singing the service. As some are well aware, singing is by far not my strong point. I am very thankful that so many have reinforced my music professor, David Hurd’s, teaching that this is not a performance. It isn’t. It is for the worship of God, and God loves even a joyful noise! The parishioners are very patient and good natured with me mistakes.
I am aware, however, that a really lousy job can and will effect the experience of worship for some. I’ve been practicing, a lot. Breath. Breath. Breath. That is Mark Peterson’s constant refrain as he patiently helps me along with my chanting/singing.
A Votive Mass of the Eucharist with Benediction
Thursday, Oct. 5th, 2006 – 7:30 pm
St. Paul’s Episcopal Church
199 Carroll St. (Corners of Clinton and Carroll)
Brooklyn, NY 11231

I walked home yesterday – to my new apartment in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn, where my books and stuff are now out of storage and where I can finally settle in a bit. So, I walked from 5th Ave and 39th St. where I work to St. Andrew’s House on Carroll St. in Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn. I wanted to see how long of a walk it would actually be. It took me 2 hours at a moderate pace.
Walking that far through Manhattan, across the Brooklyn Bridge, and into Carroll Gardens is a great experience. The walk down Broadway takes one from the Mid-town Fashion District, through the outer edges of Chelsea, the Ironside district, NOHO, SOHO, the edge of China Town, and before the bridge among the federal buildings and town hall and at the edge of the Financial District – Wall Street. I suspect I could add the East Village to the list, too. You see the swanky funkiness of SOHO, all the students of NYU, the well-dressed uptightness of Wall Street, all the tourists with their cameras walking across the Brooklyn Bridge, and the “regular” people coming home from work and walking the neighborhood streets of Brooklyn Heights, Cobble Hill, and Carroll Gardens. You see every color and body type, depictions of most world religions, more languages than I could count, and the hustle and bustle of a big city.
It was a great experience. This is truly a unique place.