I have been living under a cloud ever since General Convention ’03. My priestly formation in seminary occurred under this cloud. The cloud comprises trepidation towards what this wonderful thing I’ve discovered – this Anglican way of the Christian faith – will become, frustration that reactionaries are attempting to force their way upon everyone else (liberal and conservative), and fear that we as TEC will cease to be part of something greater than ourselves. I was ordained a priest in the One Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church and at least for now I will remain so (yes, yes, yes, I know that the Churches of Rome and Constantinople do not recognize our Holy Orders!, but they don’t recognize each other’s, either. We recognize them both.)
This is the first time that I feel a bit of relief! I still don’t know what will happen, but for the first time in four years, I feel hopeful.

You know, these days in the Church I feel like I have to describe myself apophatically, and I get tired of it. It is no fun always having to distinguish what one is not!

Sometimes, I just have to ask, “Why?” I wish an answer was forthcoming, but I know it is not. Perhaps soon, I don’t know. The bigger questions of life – Why am I doing this? Why am I here? I don’t want this, but here I am – why?
This is simply not what I had in mind when I finished seminary. I know I’m repeating myself, but the struggle to maintain myself in this place when I have no clue as to why I’m here is sometimes almost more than I can bear.
I am thankful for the opportunity. I am thankful for the income. I enjoy working with the people I do. I just am not of the disposition to do this kind of work. (This has nothing to do with the parish in which I’m working, by the way. Just so that is clear.) It affects my attitude, my dedication to the task, my outlook, and my work. It affects the work that I truly want to be doing and for which I spend years in preparation – my best working hours are spent sitting at a desk looking at numbers. I’m slow to take the initiative, unless it has to do with certain other kinds of things – like learning a new software package or organizing something or another (I like to organize, believe it or not.). I’m a right-brain person stuck in a very, very left-brain job.
And, frankly, I don’t want to whine, but sometimes it just becomes too much.
Now, in all reality, I should just shut up. I’m paid well. I work in New York City. I’m working on a project that really is of importance to the Church. I work in a nice environment with good people. I’m able to give money freely to those in need. A lot of people would jump at the opportunity to do what I am doing. It is a great opportunity for someone. I get to work with the people of St. Paul’s.
Why, God, am I here doing this kind of work. I need a different attitude, and I’m trying. It just isn’t coming. (Of course, in hindsight I’m sure I will understand and be thankful. Isn’t that how it always is? I certainly hope so, because if not I’m going to be pissed – at myself more than anyone because I discerned that this was were I was being put for a reason, and I will be the one who screwed-up.)

I am always impressed with Luiz Coelho’s posts on his weblog Wandering Christian. He isn’t political, he isn’t issue driven, he isn’t out to prove a point, he simply writes about God and his encounter with the things of God (with a few exceptions).
I am envious. My hope is that I just might be in that kind of place – that kind of insightful and that kind of humble.
Well, then there is my last post and my wish above is kind of blown out of the water.

How have fundamental assumptions of knowledge and truth been changed by the advent and development of the Internet, particularly the Web? We have to be cognoscente of the long-term changes that may be developing within younger people as the Web becomes an integral part of their lives and the primary vehicle in the search for information and truth.
If anyone can post a website and make truth claims no matter how “out there,” and if informational websites come and go, as so many do when the first link we use to find the site no longer works, how does that influence the developmental aspects of how we think about the accumulation of knowledge and the understanding of how to discern truth claims? A website claims “this is absolutely true,” above and beyond the “competition,” and then it is gone. Is the “truth” gone?
This may be a bit fare fetched, but the way the Web is so ingrained in the daily lives of people, especially younger people, it will eventually effect the way they perceive and understand information gathering and truth claims, and particularly with the ascendancy of Post-Modernism as the foundational worldview of young people.
Most young people no longer grow up within a family of faith, no matter what religion or pietistic practice. Either parents have an honest, but flawed in my opinion, intention of allowing their children to choose their own religion when they become adults or the parents are just too lazy to get them off to church, temple, mosque, or whatever house of worship, kids will begin to search for Truth and Meaning. Today, almost of their entire searching process is on the Web. They generally will not visit brick-and-mortar buildings and visiting small-groups is becoming less likely. If they are given no instruction at home or school in how to judge legitimate from illegitimate religious expression or true from false truth claims, the Web provides a vast plain of land mines just waiting for the kids.
The copious amounts of information on the Web is wonderful, but if we are not given the tools to enable us to effectively judge between truth claims and if we are not taught how to effectively navigate through it all, we are preparing a generation for mental/informational chaos. I’m not talking about making declarations that the information on this or that website is false, but the ability to discern and judge prudently, especially when forms of popular post-modernism yell that all points of view are of equal value and truth, all worldviews are accurate and acceptable, or all moral positions are worthy of consideration and respect.
Christian tradition claims that it is the only True religion – Jesus Christ is the only way to God, etc. If our primary assumptions negate such claims of absoluteness, and if knowledge is always shifting and appearing and disappearing, as it does on the Web, how will the Christian faith respond? What will be the anchor point for young people?
I’m just thinking about his stuff. It all is very unformed and unfinished, but still rolling around in my brain.

I won’t mention what happened in an Episcopal church down the road last Wednesday. I filled in for a the priest-in-charge, and, well, the experience was the stuff of all the nightmares a priest may have about making Eucharist come true and all rolled into one.
What do ya do? I just rolled with it. I’m sure the people, particularly the visiting English couple visiting their daughter, thought, “My Lord, is this what the American Church has come to???” Mass got said, God worked, and, well, it is over.
This is going to be a rambling post. I can tell already.
So, this past Sunday I said mass at Christ Church. They use the Anglican Service Book this time of year. The Anglican Service Book is all the 1979 Book of Common Prayer in Elizabethan language (except for Rite II, Prayer “C”). Everything sounds like Rite I. There are a lot of additional devotional stuff, too, which tends to make a bit more Anglo-Catholic – or just plain Catholic (that which is of the Western Church, which frankly is the Church of Rome).
First of all, I have never said a Rite II mass before, whether in contemporary language or old. This is such a strange experience for an Episcopal priest since Rite II is probably used in 98% of all parishes, with perhaps an early morning Rite I service in some places for the old folk. (Interesting, isn’t it, that the younger folk seem to like the older English. It is “church” or “spiritual” language, I’ve heard them say aplenty. Hummm. Of course, the Hip Hop Eucharist is also popular in certain quarters.) Anyway, this was my first time doing a Rite II mass.
I’ve always liked the Rite II canons. I do like the Elizabethan language, though. In my sponsoring parish back in Akron, I liked to go to the early morning Rite I. It is strange, too, I think, that so many Anglo-Catholic parishes still use Rite I. Rite II is far more Catholic and far less Reformed in its theology. The Rite II prayers come more from the Patristic period, and Rite I more from the medieval period – with a good bit of Reformed concepts and language thrown in for good measure.
Fr. Cullen says he uses Rite I because it is the more “modern” of the Eucharistic prayers, despite its Elizabethan language. Okay, I get it.
This past Sunday was also my first time celebrating on a “West-facing” or “free-standing” alter where I faced the people. I didn’t notice this at the time, but thinking about the experience yesterday afternoon I realized something. Since I’m used to not having eye contact with people while I’m consecrating, I remember not having any eye contact during the Words of Institution at Christ Church.
How much eye contact do priests actually have with the people during the consecration, anyway? I suspect that for those who know the prayers well it is a lot easier to look at the people at times more accommodating during the prayer. I read from the book. I elevated the elements and looked at them. Obviously, during the Sursum Corda and such places I looked at the people, but I do that when serving on an “East-facing” alter, anyway.
So, there you have it. A day of strange, but good, experiences. My first Rite II service (prayer B, from the Anglican Service Book), with other oddities included as part of their normal service structure. My first West-facing service. My first time celebrating in a different church.