You know, I’m just tired. I’m tired of 20 plus years of the Culture Wars. I’m tired of the disunity and the false accusation against the neighbor and the manipulation of Truth that comes along with war. I’m tired of having explain that being a follow of Jesus Christ is not the same as being a follower of the Religious Right. I’m tired of identity-politics and political-correctness that deceive us into not being honest and that produces no real solutions. I’m tired of moral busybodies who can’t face up to their own dysfunction and so insist on imposing themselves into the lives of everyone else.
I’m tired of being embarrassed by the foreign policy of this present administration. I’m tired to our hubris and the hegemonic insistence of Neo-Con’s who want empire. I’m tired that the moral force for the welfare of humanity (despite our international screw-ups) that this country held in the imaginations of people all over the world has been squandered.
I’m tired of being embarrassed by my government and my culture.
I’m tired of modern day Pharacies Pharisees that would rather destroy than compromise. I’m tired of ecclesiastical battles where I find not a lot in common with either of the antagonists. I’m tired of trying to champion this wonderful thing I found called Anglicanism and all I see is leadership tearing apart this jewel for their own end. Where is sacrifice of self? Where is humility? Where is consideration for your brother or sister more than your consideration for yourself? Where is a hunger for the Gospel of Jesus Christ that goes beyond the next political or social theory or trendy dysfunction that rampages through the culture?
It is so easy to become overwhelmed by negativity and angst and frustration while trying to discover and trying to call people to something more, something stronger, something lasting far longer than the last 30 years – a whisper in time. I’m just tired, and I well understand why some people simply want to get out and be apart of something that is positive, forward looking and understanding without having to jettison all that came before. For a change. I’m tired of wondering whether there will come a point when I will need to “jump ship” or will be pushed out. I’m tired of wondering why nothing works out the way it is supposed to work, at least that is my life experience.
I certain understand when people say, “I just want to get on with things and end all this distraction.”
There has always been a part of me that loves the politics, loves the battle, and would be very good in all that. There is part of me that knows that if I had gone into politics or the foreign service or stayed within American-Evangelicalism that I could have gone far, could have had a huge church if I wanted to be a pastor – I’m gifted in those ways. I also know myself well enough to realize that pride and arrogance are just under the surface. I’m tired to wondering, “When is my life going to begin?” My life, most everything has been “temporary,” not knowing from year-to-year what I will be doing next. There is a bit of excitement in that, but I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of waking up at 3:30 in the morning and having all this stuff running through my head. I’m tired of my compulsion to try to find solutions. I’m physically just exhausted, too. I’m tired of my own erratic thoughts, lack of discipline, and lack of time to focus on the things I want to. I’m tired of having to function in a left-brained job when I’m a right-brained person. I’m tired of being bi-vocational.
I’m tired of not knowing where I fit. I’m too independent and rebellious to give myself over to a “party.” I’m bored too easily. But, I’m tired of not fitting and trying to force myself into the shape that others expect. I’m tired of not being too forceful or leaderly because I’m trying to be sensitive and respectful. I’m tired of the rejection because I don’t play “correctly.” How easy it would be to be just like an American-Evangelical entrepreneur and go off and do my own thing. I would succeed. But, I took vows!
I’m tired of defeatists. I’m tired of egomaniacs.
I’m tired of watching my seminary being run into financial ruin and being brought from the only Anglican seminary in the Northern Hemisphere offering a ThD. program (Oxford on the Hudson) to becoming some sort of “community college” for people interested in religiousy stuff because of an ill conceived “vision” of the present administrator.
You know, the seminary Dean and the U.S. President have one thing in common – they both cannot recognize or admit that the policies they purse have failed and are continuing to fail.
I’m tired of the greed, the hypocrisy, and what is developing into a real Social Darwinism.
I want to be a part of making things better. How far do I go? At want point is it legitimate to just throw up your hands and say, “I give up?” Sometimes, situations and institutions are beyond saving.
As Betty Butterfield says, “I just want to sit in a pew and do it the normal way!”