God said, what?

And it came to pass that God visited the earth, and He did behold a series of billboard ads attributing to Him utterances of such banality that they would never pass His lips in a billion years. And it came to pass that God in His wrath considered a libel suit, but in the end opted simply to mount a cantankerous, contradictory ad campaign of His own. . . .
I never said, “Thou shalt not think.” – God
Okay, you’ve got multiplying down. Now let’s try replenishing for a while. – God
I don’t care who started it. Just stop it. – God
If you seek to know my ways, read a damn science book. – God
You’d better have stopped fighting by the time I get back, or you’re all grounded. – God
If I wanted you to have seven kids, I would have given you a bigger planet. – God
You’re not tracking those bloody footprints in here. – God
E=mc2. Yeah, that’s one of mine. – God
You can have another kid when you learn to take care of the first one. – God
The dinosaurs didn’t believe in you either. – God
Just look at this planet! Do you expect me to clean this up? – God
Here’s a clue=ADif they say they’re doing it in my name, they’re lying. – God
I’m concerned about children’s education. I favor lower child-to-parent ratios. – God
I gave you a bigger brain for a reason. Start using it. – God
If you don’t clean this place up, you won’t get another millennium. – God
I don’t blame video games when my children start shooting each other. – God
I like to kick things off with a bang. A Big Bang. – God
If you didn’t hear it straight from my lips, take it with a grain of salt. – God
All this will someday be your children’s. – God
There is no such thing as killing in my name. – God
Stop smirking, America. I’m talking to you, too. – God

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