I’m not sure what to think, what to feel, or what to expect. I keep being asked how I feel, whether I am excited or not, or what do I think about all this. I don’t know. Really, I don’t know.
I keep saying that it is all happening too fast for me to really judge what I am thinking or feeling. I honestly do not have any expectations of might happen – I just don’t know. Tomorrow will be a leap into the unknown, despite the stories of classmates of mine who have already been ordained. I just don’t have a good handle of what to expect.
Yesterday’s retreat was nice, although of little help in terms of preparation – at least for me. I keep thinking of the preparation the Roman or Orthodox Ordainands might go through the day or days before ordination. Perhaps what they experience is too far on the other side of the preparation continuum, but we are certainly on the other end. I was asked what I was going to do today. I have spent most of the day reading, eating pizza for lunch, and reading some more. I am getting ready to go to the ordination practice, and then family. I could have spent the day in prayer – do you think that might have been appropriate? But, I don’t know what to pray for – I mean really pray for. I can say prayers, but that isn’t the same. All I can say is, “God, I have no clue what to pray for!”
Am I ready? The Church says I am. Am I ready? My family and friends say they think I am. Am I ready? My seminary says I am. Am I ready, God? I don’t know what the answer is, but tomorrow will happen, Lord willing, and whether I feel that I am ready or not I will have to be.
I’m not getting all mystical, but I just don’t know what will change, if anything. I know I will still be me with all my proclivities and abilities, but everything will change in some way or another. Am I completely mistaken in this? I don’t know. I will see. All three of us will see!