This is going to be one of those days. During pride stuff this weekend, I listened to a performer, Skott Freedman (Skott? – he’s young), who was really good. Really good. I hardly ever listen to the performers because, well, to be honest I don’t find them very compelling or all that great. Not that they are bad, but just not that great. Well, Skott caught my attention. I loved watching him play his electric piano (everything was outdoors). Watching him play reminded me of Daniel and the ease at which he just fooled around on the keys. It was second nature for Daniel, is second nature for Skott. Skott is a singer/songwriter. He’s actually good – lyrics, music, performance – all seemed authentic, real, felt. Anyway, most of the lyrics were personal stuff that kicked me into memories and longings and passions that I’ve kept at bay, often hidden, buried. The journal entry I made yesterday kind of sums up what I was feeling all day, even in the midst of the race and tiredness. Actually, the tiredness is probably what opened my heart for the rush of feeling and emotion. I bought one of his CD’s Saturday and listened to the whole thing yesterday while driving back to Akron. It put me into one big funk.
That’s the thing with emotions – they certainly keep me real, grounded, authentic – sometimes ecstatic, and sometimes depressed. I was thinking this morning that my creatively, those things which find their start in the heart rather then the brain, has been stifled much for a good while now. Finding myself working with computers and programming and technical stuff pushed me much more into the realm of analytica – which side of the brain is that? Creativity doesn’t swim well in a dry sea. This has been really odd for me, but has effected me more then I realized.
It’s funny, because I have for most of my life leaned heavily on feeling, sensing, the still small voice inside, to make decisions, make sense of things, and to express myself. I haven’t been there for a while now, but I want to get back to that place. In many ways, placing myself in the analytical way of being, using that side of my brain makes life easier – don’t have to deal with all those fuzzy loose ends that revolve around emotions and feelings. Yet, how can someone who is those things stay away, keep them out there, forever? I can’t. I’ve had a number of people tell me I have a gift for mercy. How can that be if the heart is subjugated to the brain?
In a couple months, I’m moving out of the modernist, Enlightenment inspired, logical way of being and back into the gooey world of sensing, emoting, feeling. Granted, the academic side of things will demand a good sense of study and logical thinking, but the essence of one’s faith and relationship with God is always and forever – feeling. Relating to people, sensing them, discerning what is going on inside them, empathizing with them, crying with them, feeling with them – none of that is part of writing code, troubleshooting a piece of software, or fixing a computer. It is a world I am comfortable with, even though it does make me feel all the more – opens me to the feelings inside myself that aren’t easily quelled. I should be more creative, then. Probably more myself, actually. I’m kinda nervous about that, honestly. My life is more interesting, more spontaneous, more fun, and most importantly more real – real life rather then contrived systematic life. But, sometimes those feelings are a bear to deal with. Where does this all lead…
I would like someone with whom to share it all. I think that is my biggest problem with feeling right now. Actually, the sense of aloneness is quite intense – not that I’m so overwrought with desire that I’m not functioning, but here I am in the midst of the very thing I wanted to avoid – 40 and relationshipless. God, in your providence, what the heck is going on? There are always those stories of finding the person, the seemingly perfect person, and asking the question, “Where have you been all my life?”